Sami must have nursed for three hours straight last night. I still wonder if he got enough food in him? It’s one of those things that is so hard to tell. This slow weight gain thing is so emotionally harrowing. This little guy just hit the 8 lb mark at 4 weeks — and his birth weight was 7 lbs, 7 oz. I feel like a bad mother, like I’m not feeding my baby enough. But then, who knows? He gained 8 oz last week, and has had lots of wet and poopy diapers.

I just want him to get fat and roly-poly like babies are supposed to! I’m jealous of all these moms with chubby breast-fed babes. Maybe I just need to be patient. But how to be patient when you suspect your child is not getting enough to eat?

I thought this breastfeeding thing would be so easy. I read books while I was pregnant, took a workshop, even attended a couple of La Leche League meetings. I opted for a natural home birth (more on that later) in the hopes that I would not have any of the medical interventions that can sometimes interfere with establishing breastfeeding. And I have these huge ta-ta’s, after all. I should be ejecting gallons of milk. I should be a great, flowing double fountain. Instead, I am one of those Low Milk Supply women, it seems. Am I dooming my breast feeding relationship with Sami by even going there, since milk production is hindered by stress and admitting this is inherently stressful? Am I creating a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or am I just being smart and realistic and facing the problem head-on?

There is so much grief at (apparently) not being able to meet my baby’s needs. People say there is no shame in supplementing with formula, and I agree, but I am not yet ready to do that, unless it seems we really have to for his well-being. Neither our pediatrician nor the lactation consultant I am working with think we have to go there, yet.

We are up against so many issues — the latch has never been good, although I recently had the lactation consultant evaluate it and she proclaimed it “not that bad.” My nipples are sore, but not agonizingly so like they were in the very beginning. I feel like my boobs are so huge, and Sami’s mouth is so small. It’s a vicious Catch-22. Once his mouth grows, I know it would get better, but he’s growing so slowly that we can’t seem to get to that point! Meanwhile with a less than ideal latch his not stimulating my breast enough to increase milk supply.

So I have started pumping with a hospital grade pump but can’t seem to get much out — maybe 1 oz from both breasts/session. But then again, according to the breastfeeding experts, not being able to pump a lot is not necessarily indicative of low milk supply–some women just can let down for a pump. That’s another thing, I don’t have the whole “let down reflex” going. I don’t feel a darn thing. I just have to assume that milk is coming out when he nurses. It’s the whole not knowing thing. Also, it’s hard to sqeeze in those pumping sessions since Sami is a boobie maniac. Hani finger feeds him the milk I pump with this little plastic syringe and he eats it up so hungrily.

Sami has this very weak suck. He just sort of nibbles at the breast — I do hear him swallow but not often enough for my taste. I wonder if he might benefit from Craniosacral therapy or a chiropractic adjustment? I did have a very long labor, and he was malpositioned (posterior/ sunny-side up). Maybe something got torked during labor, something with his jaw or his skull? Do I sound desperate or what? Well, I am. Plus I have this vicious kink in my neck that won’t seem to go away. I really need to relax. It’s time to breathe, maybe take a hot bath. I need a massage!

And, I need to remind myself to be grateful — he is latching on after all, he likes to nurse, and some babies refuse the breast altogether. This could be so much worse. And so what if he nurses for three hours straight right now? He won’t be this tiny forever. I should just chill the hell out and enjoy these moments of closeness, with his sweet little body tucked against mine. While it’s not perfect, he is being nourished by my milk. Plus, he looks so cute when he nurses, munching away so intently. It’s one of the only things that soothes him — his whole body relaxes totally. Right now he’s nursing and his little eyes are closed and his hands are curled against his chest, mummy-style. When he pulls off the breast he makes this great big smacking sound. And when he’s really hungry and latches on, he makes all these funny babbling sounds, like he’s saying, “finally! what does a baby gotta do to get a meal in this joint?”