Dukkha means “suffering” in Pali, the language spoken during the Buddha’s time.

I have to laugh at myself — this morning there was a short Buddha-dharma study group I wanted to go to, just a 2 minute drive away. Much to Hani’s exasperation, I insisted on taking Sami. Hani was kind of baffled as to why I wanted to take him, as the class was only an hour and 15 minutes long, and they’d be fine without me. I’d be away from the baby an hour and a half, tops. I guess on a deep level, which I’m only now acknowledging to myself, I felt guilty leaving the baby to do something just for me, even if it was only for an hour and a half.

Well, once I got there, I got to look at my own suffering pretty well. I was terrified the whole time that he would burst out in his “rebel yell,” although he slept peacefully through the class. I was so attached to the idea of him being “good” = “quiet.” It was really a trip to watch my mind. At the beginning I was actually cold with fear that he would wake up screaming like he often does, and I would be embarrassed because I was the stupid woman bringing her baby to class. I went through all these mental scenarios of what I would do if he started wailing.

I was acutely self-conscious of being the only person there with a baby, feeling that it was inappropriate, etc. although Vicki, one of the instructors of the class, gave me her OK to bring the baby. As of late I have restricted my activities largely to baby-friendly spaces. Or at least spaces where it wouldn’t be immensely disturbing if he cried. Well, luckily it was a short class and my suffering was brief. I did notice a big opening up when I acknowledged to myself how freaked out I was, and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if he cried, and was able to relax and let go of the icy-cold fear thing.

I did get a lot out of the class, though it sounds hard to believe. It was a review of the Four Noble Truths. One thing that really stuck with me was when Louisa referred to the 3rd Noble Truth, the Truth that there is a way out of suffering, as “personal disarmament.” I love the teachings so much.

After class, so many people came up and admired the baby, told me how cool it was that I brought him, etc. But I don’t think I’ll bring Sami back to the class again, when he can be home safe with his daddy. I learned my lesson! Although my primary job these days is to be a mother, it’s OK for me to go to a short class here and there on my own.