This past weekend I was feeling so crazy — boy does motherhood bring up my inferiority complexes, and the baby is just two months old. I think about how hard I have been on myself and know it is a total waste of time. My child has survived for two months on my milk. No matter how hard this feels, I am doing it.

I had so much hope in getting acupuncture from Dr. Safayan, to help heal my system after all these infections and antibiotics. But of course, my insurance doesn’t cover it. How enormously frustrating. It seems the only people who can access good alternative/integrative medical care are those who can afford to pay out of pocket. I guess I can’t rely on a professional to “cure” me — I just have to take matters into my own hands. Dr. Safayan ordered a bunch of bloodwork, including checking my prolactin levels, to see if there is some hormonal reason for my low supply — if I do have a low supply.

I took Sami to the Dr. yesterday for suspected thrush. Amazingly, we don’t have it! I thought for sure after all the antibiotics that we would. I have been freaking out and imagining problems where there are none. Nancy (the nurse practitioner) assured me that Sami is fine. He is in the 50th percentile for weight and 90th for height! He is just a long, skinny baby. How many times do I have to hear that Sami is fine until I believe it? It’s like I have no belief in my abilities as a mother — I have to go outside myself for validation.

What is called for in this instance is compassion for myself, trying to find my way as a new mommy. While this is the most glorious thing I have ever done, it is also the hardest, and I am bound to have some low points, moments of fear, where I get lost in the anxious fantasies my mind likes to spin. The antidotes are mindfulness and compassion. That is always the answer to suffering.