Now that the worst of Sami’s feeding issues are over - I hope - I am a lot more relaxed. I enjoy motherhood more when I am not constantly worried about my son getting enough food. In retrospect, I wish I had had more compassion for myself, and more equanimity while going through all that. It was so hard, and I made it harder by being so hard on myself. That’s OK - it’s a learning experience. It’s a gift that I can see now, how I could do better in the next scary, intense baby-related situation.

I am still not 100% over having to give Sami formula supplements, but the breastfeeding struggles don’t permeate my every waking thought like they used to. I still feel shame, I know that, and accept that the shame is there. I don’t want to attend La Leche League meetings because I am afraid of being judged when I pull out my supplemental nursing system. I doubt I would be judged, and if I were to be judged, it would not be about me but about the person judging me. Still, it would be hard not to take it personally. So I am choosing to stay away from that situation for now, until I am more skillfully able to handle it.

I feel like I am able to focus on other things, now that my son is fed and happier. Life after formula is very different. He smiles so much more, and my heart expands with each smile. He even laughs out loud when his dad or I kiss his tummy. I have been able to take him to an infant massage class, and he loves the class. He loves to look around at all the other babies.

(Sami loves the ladies. The other day, Laurie and I had lunch at Whole Foods, and this woman was passing by. Sami smiled at her, and she just had to stop and talk to us! He is quite the charmer.)

Now that Sami’s tummy is full, I can do things like take him on long walks. Today on our walk, I was transfixed by his sleeping face. I love to wear him in a carrier and feel his little body against mine, but I also love to look at his face as I push him in a stroller. I love how he is so present. When he sleeps, he is all sleepy peace. When he smiles, he is all joy and lit-up eyes. When he cries, it is pure suffering and scrunched-up forehead. His presence rubs off on me and I am just right there with him. I love him insanely.

I am also able to meditate more, now that I actually remember to. Good news! I am starting an online course with Jacqueline Kramer, author of Buddha Mom. I read that book while I was pregnant and struggling to come to terms with the fact that I would not be able to sit long retreats for a while after the birth of my son. It’s a course for householders and I am looking forward to adapting my practice to my life as a mom.

Now that Sami is fed, I can focus on feeding myself healthy food, rather than eating greasy take-out all the time. I got The Vegetarian Mother’s Cookbook and have started to make some of those great recipes. It feels so good to eat real food.

I am going to start acupuncture, too. According to traditional Chinese medicine, childbirth is a very chi-depleting activity, and I am hoping to heal a little bit and get my body back into balance. I can now do this, since I can leave Sami with his date for a couple of hours in the evening.

Writing this, I am struck by how much my life has changed since I started supplementing Sami. I wish breastfeeding would have worked, but since it didn’t work 100%, I feel we made the right decision. Sami is smiling and happy, and sleeping well. Both mama and baby are happier, and that is the most important thing.

I am more than a source of food to my son. He needs me to be well, so I can be the best mother I can to him, and the best person I can be to myself.