Last Saturday, I threw out my back. That means I have been living in pain for exactly five days. I feel like a science experiment: how does one cope with being pain free to all of a sudden being in extreme agony? Hey, I had a natural childbirth, which was by far the most painful experience of my life - but my mind and body still do not tolerate pain. And this is truly painful. Every move is predicated and followed by pain. I can barely lift my son. I can’t care for him in the way I would like to. I am grotesquely bent over to one side, twisted like a woman in her 80s, not a 30 year-old.

What’s the worst for me is that I licked this, or at least I thought I did, and now it is back. With a fucking vengeance. It’s the baby weight, I tell myself, and rail at myself for gaining so much weight during pregnancy, and not taking it off right away. My mind goes to the past, blaming and shaming. You fat, lazy, disgusting cow. This is what you deserve for bragging about your weight loss and your back healing through diet and acupuncture. Then it goes to the future, a harbinger of doom. You will always be like this, it tells me. You will have to live like an invalid, never going out. You will not be able to care for your son. Your husband will ruin his business staying home caring for the two of you, grow to hate you in the process, and your life will be ruined. Yes, the voices of the past and future are very seductive.

The objective fact of the matter is, there is inflammation in my back, which makes movement painful. I can still walk, albeit crookedly, and I can still pick up my son. Tonight I bathed him. I can still play with him and interact with him. I am alive and he is alive and my husband is alive and this is not a life-threatening situation. Tomorrow I am going back to the acupuncturist. He helped me earlier in the week (I had a setback today due to pushing myself too hard) and he will help me again. Eventually, I will heal, I hope.

Hani told me the other day that he thinks this is my body sending me a clear message to take fucking care of it. I have spent all my energy caring for the babe, and none for myself. Once I lick this, I am going to join the gym and get myself back in shape. I am HIGHLY motivated right now. Pain motivated me well before, and it will again. There is so much more at stake now. I have a son to think about. It’s not just about vanity now - not wanting him to have a fat mama. It’s about being able to care for him in the most basic way, to eventually run after him and play with him. I’m not saying that any mother with a disability that doesn’t allow her to do those things is any less of a mother - it’s just that I am pretty sure it’s within my ability to turn this situation around, like I did once before.

The only way I am going to stay sane through all of this is to focus on the objective facts. It’s when I go to the past and the future that the suffering begins. This is just pain. Pain + resistance = suffering.

Wow, writing this has really helped me to feel a lot better. All of this stuff has been rattling around in my head making me crazy.

On a lighter note, Sami discovered his feet today! What a joy to see him grab that little foot and place it in his mouth.