Yesterday I rocked Sami to sleep in our brand new, wine-colored, cheapo rocker-recliner. It’s butt-ugly, but damn! that thing is comfortable. Perfect for nursing and rocking and other baby-related activities. The little guy fell asleep in my arms and I reveled in the deliciousness of holding my sleeping baby. His little cheek rested on my chest, his mouth sweetly agape, and his chest rose and fell steadily against my body as he breathed short baby breaths.

I was about to read or do something else to zone out, and then I decided to use his nap time as a meditation. We sat together and I watched my mind go a million different places as I held my sleeping child. When I came back to the present moment, it was exquisite - so pleasurable and sweet and perfect.

But the pull of thought is so seductive. Every thought was either anxiety (about the future), planning, or regret about the past. All of the thoughts felt pretty shitty, although there were some pleasurable fantasies about things I wanted to buy for the baby. But even those consumption thoughts don’t really feel so hot. It’s not thinking that’s the enemy, I remind myself, but getting caught up in the thoughts. Every time I “woke up” from thought, and came back to the present, I was reminded of how much joy there is there.

Even when pain is present - and boy, has pain been present for the past 10 days - there is joy in the moment. There is no suffering, only pain, and the pain is NOTHING compared to natural childbirth. It’s manageable. The reality is only as grim as I make it. I want to be depressed. I want to wallow in great, open waters of self-pity, grief, and regret. But there is a bigger, more vibrant part of me that doesn’t want to be depressed - that wants to be free. Today I choose to nourish that part of me that wants to awaken.