I could use it as ammunition against myself, that I am a terrible mother…but that is so old. I always use everything as ammunition against myself and it’s just…tired.

I want to try to set a positive example for Sami - I am going to try to love myself unconditionally and I am going to try to love him unconditionally. Maybe it’s one of the most courageous things someone can do in this day and age.

The pieces of the puzzle keep coming at me in different things I am reading and hearing - that conditional acceptance of ourselves and others is one of the plagues of modern life. We are always searching for something outside of ourselves to validate who we are. It’s the cause of all manner of neuroses and addictions. I don’t blame my family for loving me conditionally - they couldn’t help it! But I would like to try to awaken and be more conscious. I have to heal these wounds to the best of my ability - I have a son to raise and I want to raise him as consciously as I can.

I am going to practice watching the thoughts of self-hate as they come up and just let them go- starting with this one: “I am a bad mother because I don’t write in my blog enough!!”