I just have to laugh at my last post and how many times I cursed in it. Sleep deprivation causes me to get sloppy with language, both in written and verbal form. I know that I need to watch the swear words in Sami’s vicinity, as he is getting more and more aware of what I say, even when it is not directed at him. That is, unless I want to hear him one day declare the “S” or the “F” word in a totally inappropriate context.

But I’ll admit, it’s a fun outlet for me to curse like a truck driver. That is just my reality right now. I thought about going back and cleaning up that last post, but I am going to leave it as it is. It’s an accurate representation of where I was at the time. Today, I am going to try to be a little more conscious of my potty mouth. I am going to get very comfortable with the words “shoot” and “darn” and “frickin’.”

Blogging is raw for me right now, as is life. It’s messy, like my living room. Which is only bound to get messier, as I no longer have the money to pay Sara, the lovely woman who used to come twice a month and help me keep this place in order. I’m dreading making that phone call to her, but I know it has to be made. For I am quite very extremely broke, and have had to go through the process of cutting corners where I can. Maybe when things get better, she can come back…

I had to refinance my house recently (tied to the divorce) and as a result my mortgage payments have gone up a lot. Also, I no longer have access to my HELOC, which I was living on, although I’m trying to score another one. I’m going to be working a bit more starting this week, but right now the old finances are looking mighty scary. We eat and live quite comfortably — the perks of being a privileged American with access to credit cards. And I am going to keep assuming that all is well and all will be well. But when I look at the bills, as I did this afternoon, I notice myself getting tight, inside and out. My shoulders start moving up towards my ears, and my mind gets very constricted. I feel a sense of panic and doom, as if I will be homeless tomorrow. I feel trapped by money, oppressed by it, like a caged animal. There is a sense that if I fall, there will be no one and nothing to catch me. But it’s just not true. It’s just mind stuff.

Yet, in truth I am not sure how I will pay my mortgage next month.

Maybe I could have a rent party!

Before writing this post, I sat for a few minutes with my breath, and felt the block of anxiety shift and break up some. I realized that I can continue to panic, or I can take an attitude of expectant amusement as to how the money will materialize. I have a choice as to how I can approach my broke-ness. Because the reality is that the money does always seem to materialize, somehow. Is it magical thinking? Maybe. But I believe in magic. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I trust in the abundance of the Universe. Good things are coming my way.