“We’re going to Sami’s house!” Sami crowed from the backseat as we sped down 495 towards home. Never mind that it felt like Dante’s inferno as we stepped out of the airport, never mind that it must be 102 degrees in my bedroom, where the A/C doesn’t seem to reach, never mind that I already achingly miss the ocean, never mind that I wish I had had just a few more days to heal with my grandmother, never mind that our California trip all went by too fast and now it feels like a distant dream — never mind all that.

I am relieved to be home.

My red rolling duffel bag lies half unpacked on the bedroom floor. The week ahead glares at me. Tomorrow I head to the doctor for further examination of a mysterious “mass” in my right breast. On Thursday I get divorced. The question occurs to me: how to maintain my center in the midst of these conditions? Last night I had nightmares all night, involving my ex, involving Sami…vampires lured me and Sami into a tavern and wanted to sacrifice him. I woke up drenched in panic. Sami, too, had troubled dreams, I think. He cried out and whimpered several times in his sleep before finally climbing into my bed. I was relieved to hold him safely in my arms.

I must take refuge in this body of mine, this quiet, living, breathing body, because my head does not want to shut up. It replays waking nightmares about cancer, about what it will be like to face my husband in court on Thursday. My head wants to stay in a frightening future and the bottom line is that I. just. will. not. let. it. I had to tell myself several times today: “you are not allowed to think that thought.” I have a right to feel however I feel, but I will not allow my brain to think certain things, just like I would not let Sami step into a busy intersection or wander too far into the ocean. This is a compassionate yet firm “no” that I am saying to Panic Mind.

This week, I will practice dropping the tormenting thoughts and to go into my body, into the present. Everything may not be ok in the here and now, but the here and now is where it’s at. I have to remind myself of this over and over again and I am thankful that this blog gives me the space to do so in a concrete way.

So that’s my task this week. I’ll post an update about how it’s going.

p.s. after all the whining in my last few posts, I miss my grandma.