Here is my debut Mama Dharma interview, with the fabulous and talented Charlotte Schoeneman. I joined GoMomGo, a listerv for divorcing moms in the Washington, DC area, just as I was separating from my spouse in October of 2006. Those were beyond crazy times, beyond terrifying times, when I felt as if every foundation I had ever leaned upon crumbled in an instant beneath my feet.

Although I barely knew her, I immediately looked to Charlotte as a mentor. After a particularly scarifying conversation with my ex, I remember calling her in near-hysterics, asking for her counsel. We had not yet met in person at that point. That night, she was kind and calm and reassuring and took the time to talk to me, a stranger, for quite a while. After hanging up the phone, I felt a glimmer of faith that I would survive the experience. I’ll never forget that. Tomorrow we have our day in court, and I can hardly believe it is almost over. I hope that having gone through this journey, I, too, can be a resource for women who are where I was on that night when I called Charlotte.

In the last 20 months or so that I have been on GoMomGo, I have been touched and impressed by all the women who post their hearts out every day. Rants are always welcome and met with concern, practical advice, and solidarity. Charlotte is a constant presence, there with a helpful resource, compassion, a useful insight, or some much-needed humor. Plus, she is an absolutely stellar swing-dancer!

Can you tell me a little bit about what motivated you to get GoMomGo “going?”

I was going through a divorce myself, following being assaulted by my then husband, and was looking for a support group. It was difficult finding support and understanding among my circle of friends and family. None of my friends were divorced, and no one I knew had been in an abusive relationship. My family were helpful but not really very supportive, and I had a hard time asking for what I wanted.

After several unsuccessful tries, I found a group starting up on DCurbanmom.com. It sounded great and lots of women showed for the first meeting, but the founder insisted on keeping meetings in the evenings and kid-free, so the group quickly dwindled, as few women were committed to getting a sitter for each meeting. Fortunately I had my mom to babysit for my one year old, but I would drive to Chevy Chase each week and be the only one. I suggested starting a listserv but was rebuffed. So I waited until the group died and started my own.

In addition to the support of other divorcing moms, what got you through your divorce? What gets you through the day-to-day struggles of co-parenting, child support, financial stresses, etc.?

From this long, hard, divorce process I’ve learned so many skills for getting through tough times. I’ve also discovered how strong and resilient I am, and that I can survive just about anything.

I do yoga, take care of myself, get help from others, identify when things are out of balance, and work to get back on track before I get spread too thin or get too stressed out. I have a list of things to do when I’m feeling stressed. I go to counseling. I seek the support of friends.

Financially, I’ve learned to live with little. I buy all my clothes, and most all of our stuff used (this dovetails nicely into my personal values re environment and recycling).

Concerning both happiness and finances, I try to evaluate at least weekly whether I can do anything to improve on the status quo. Of course some things fall through the cracks - like rolling over my IRAs and researching graduate schools.

What is the most useful piece of advice you received as you were going through your divorce?

Free counseling at the House of Ruth DC for survivors of domestic violence. #2 would be that life is comprised of good things and bad things, and it’s all normal, and part of being alive; I try to appreciate the difficult times and suffering as well as the easiness and joy.

Even though divorce is so common, most mothers feel isolated, ashamed, and overwhelmed when they first separate from their spouses. What would you say to them?

It’s normal to feel this way. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to take care of the marital relationship. It also esteems women for having a spouse. Recognize these beliefs and biases for what they are, and appreciate that you are in a difficult position. Then garner whatever resources and support you can and move on!

What are some of the primary lessons you’ve learned from your divorce?

Hitting rock bottom really paves the way for transformation and growth.

Forgiveness is the kindest thing one can do for oneself.

It’s not a zero-sum game; we are all in this together, especially when there are children involved.

It’s important to support a child’s relationship with their father (even if he doesn’t pay child support and has negligible parenting skills).

What are some of the spiritual practices or creative outlets that sustain you?

I dance and I practice yoga. I garden, sew, cook, make things, paint, draw. Keeping the body moving facilitates processing emotions and thoughts, and really helps with moving on mentally. The act of moving is cathartic and stress-reducing.