Today was like a sunny day after a storm.  How amazingly everything arises and passes away.  These days I feel on an emotional par with my preschooler.  I am either throwing a tantrum or giggling with delight.

Last night I reached a very tormented place.  Fears crowded around me and I could not get any distance from them.  Sleep was a bit of a respite, but even there, I was haunted by dreams of my ex and his blushing bride.  I dreamed I saw her and she tried to talk to me and be nice but I told my ex that she was ugly, in a voice loud enough for her to hear.

This morning, after a ridiculous amount of hemming and hawing, I finally dropped out of the shi-shi expensive preschool and enrolled Sami in the free public charter school.  It felt liberating to not have to shell out a massive tuition check for a preschool month after month.  The only catch is that there is a wait list for the aftercare.  But since I don’t have a full time job yet, anyway…that is ok with me.  More time with my little munchkin.

Sami, sweet Sami.  A friend observed that we have opposite temperaments.  He is an alpha male and I am quieter, more laid back, less assertive.  She said that he is teaching me to be assertive, rather than a bowl of mush, which is my general parenting MO.  I am working on setting reasonable limits and following through on them.  Usually limits for me are wavy lines that are easily trampled on.  It’s a very challenging task for both of us, to step out of the roles we have been playing for the last year or so of his life. 

I keep (mistakenly) thinking that I can make him happy, make him love me, by giving into as many of his wants and needs as I can.  But now I see what I should have always seen: that I am teaching him that happiness is dependent on outside causes and conditions, that happiness lies in getting what you want, when you want it.  Oh how we spin together on this samsaric wheel.  All I know is that this just sets up an endless chain reaction of craving in me, and the happiness is illusory and fragile.  I am still learning this, with each deep fall, every stumble, I learn anew that we are responsible for our reactions. 

So I am learning the gentle art of discipline, and he is learning that sometimes in life we don’t get what we want, but we can still have fun and be happy. 

And we do have fun.  Sami is such a sweet, loving, joyous soul.  Recently he has started to sing along with his favorite songs in the car, his little voice struggling to keep up with the track.  He derives so much satisfaction from these sing-alongs.  Our most recent favorite is “Zippidy Doo-Da.” 

He takes so much pride in being able to climb taller and taller ladders at the playground.  He learns from his mistakes and gets more agile every day.  He is delighted by his twin loves: dinosaurs and trucks.  He says funny things like, “Look what my found,” instead of “look what I found.”  I love that he says “mermabes” instead of “mermaids.”

This morning he woke up in the best mood.  “Good morning, sunshine!”  he declared upon arising.  I kissed him, and hugged him, and we greeted this day together, and it was a better day than yesterday.

Together we grow, and stretch, and dance.  The clouds and sun dance over us, drenching us in shadow and light.