On Friday I had an acupuncture treatment that had me weeping.  I was shocked by the force of my tears.  Here I was, seated, with needles down my spine, my head resting on the treatment table, and the tears hit me at 80 miles an hour.  They came out in a burst and cleared as quickly as they had come one.  I am doing a lot of detox work, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and the point is for things that need to come out to come out.  So I guess I’m on track as far as that goal is concerned.

“Especially on treatment day, take care of yourself.  Stay away from toxic people,” warned my acupuncturist.

I suppose I disregarded her advice.  Later that day, I talked to my ex husband and he informed me that he has gotten married to the woman he left me for last November.  I’m still processing how I feel about that.  Mostly, there is a rage that I haven’t felt in months festering inside of me.  I feel like I want to unzip my skin and run away.  The burning humiliation, the sorrow, and the RAGE.   

This morning I thought of him and his bride, having breakfast together, the newlyweds.  I tried to wish them peace and joy, to replace the rageful thoughts with something else, but it was not terribly effective.  I feel like I want to vomit every time I think about it.  Because I am still attached, God Damn It.  Maybe it is not love but it’s attachment. 

In the same conversation he told me that he was ready to see Sami again.  We would start with small visits.  He blames me for his six month absence — he says it was because “I was giving him shit.”

I said that we didn’t need to go into the reasons.  He agreed.  It is only because of my practice that I did not fall prey to his bait.  I was able to remain calm in the moment.

But now, I am anything but calm.  Part of me feels relief that Sami will have his father in his life, hopefully, and part of me is simply beside myself with burning indignation.  He takes a six month vacation and thinks he can just waltz back into his son’s life as if nothing happened, with no apologies for a half-year abandonment?  What about his new stepmother and her parents?  How will they treat him?  Will he be loved?  Will he be merely tolerated?  These are all fears of things not happening in the moment, so I do my best just to let them lie.

The truth is that I built this karma.  I planted these seeds by emailing my ex and asking him if he was ready to come back into Sami’s life.  Perhaps he would have taken this step anyway, but I made the first move.  So now I need to live with the results of my actions.  Yet there is a huge part of me that wants to run screaming to another state, to take him far away.  But that is my own childish fear.  I have to think of the best interests of my son.  And my estimation, regardless of how true it is, is that it is better for Sami to have his dad in his life (consistently) than not at all.

My friend put it best in an email:

I think it’s basically good that Sami can see his dad. 
He might get his heart broken (when “things are just too much” or
whatever), but that’s something that happens to hearts, and it’s not
really worse than just having his dad f— off.

Tonight, I am tired.  So many possibilities are running through my mind…and for now, I will let them rest.  And get some sleep myself.