Today I have experienced some powerful shifts that have reframed the way I look at my single parent life.  I have been holding on to a lot of beliefs that no longer serve, and now I see them for what they are: not truth, certainly not Truth, just stories that I like to tell myself to make me feel like shit.  For example, I have beat a drum of victimhood: my ex abandoned our son, and now I am a 24/7 parent, and don’t you feel sorry for me because I have to do this all by myself, and oh how much I suffer, and oh how exhausted I am and oh how hard this is.

This brush with my ex last week and finding out he was married has brought on a huge shift for me.  First, I have had to deal with the harsh reality that we are never, ever getting back together.  Any fantasies I had about reconciliation (even those which lingered on after our divorce!!  and yes I had those) must be put to rest.  He has moved on to a new life with a new person.  Now I must move on to a new life as well. 

Second, when there was a chance that my ex might come back into Sami’s life (apparently he changed his mind again about that), I was excited for Sami but also dreading the complications of co-parenting with him (and by default, his new wife and her family). 

I had a realization that I actually cherish our two-person family, and what had seemed like not enough now seems like plenty.  Yes, for Sami’s sake I wish his dad would step up, and perhaps one day he will, but honestly I am glad he has chosen not to now.  I like the simplicity of this life: for the first time in seven months, I can honestly say that I appreciate the way things are.  Certainly they will change, but I am thankful for the current state of affairs.  The fact that I can say this and really, honestly believe it is like a small revolution in my life.

This got me to thinking about the concept of re-empowerment.  I have been pretty much in a state of constant disempowerment for the past seven months, or maybe close to a year, since the ex told me it was over.  The sense of disempowerment colored everything in my life, including my parenting, my choices in relationships, my choice to run away for the summer, all of it.  I kept trying to escape from the pervasive disempowerment, but surprise!  It followed me wherever I went. 

I am in awe of how things unfold.  It took the devastating news of my ex’s remarriage, which completely demolished me, which caused me to have nightmares for several days in a row, which unleashed yet another floodgate of tears and rage, to help me to uncover true gratitude for my simple life with Sami.  This is a prime example of how much lush richness can grow out of the bitterest soil.

For so long, my power has been delivered squarely into my ex’s hands, and now I am gathering it up and cupping it to my mouth and drinking deeply of it.  It floods me with warmth and a sense of openness.  I can choose to disregard those stories I have been telling myself so long.  This Jewish mama can jump off the cross, rinse off the stigmata blood, and go out to play.

Yes, I still believe that it is in Sami’s best interest to have time with his birth father, if he is ever ready to be a father again.  But if that is not in the cards right now, I can choose to stop struggling against what is, to stop making up stories about it, and to enjoy Sami’s beautiful childhood, to make the most of these days that will never come again.

We’re a team, me and my little man.  We’re a dynamic duo.  As I said to a friend last night, “We have kicked ass for the last seven months, and we will continue to do so.”  Nonviolently, of course.

Now if that’s not re-empowerment, I don’t know what is.