I swear, I swear, I am going to get to bed by 11 pm tonight. 

Today, I was an exhausted mess.  The manic high from BlogHer sent me into a sleepless, hyperaroused state.  I am an easily stimulated type and boy, was I buzzing.

I was so tired that my eyes burned all day long.  This morning, I came frighteningly close to hitting some woman in a crosswalk while driving Sami to school.  In the mothering department, I also fell short.  I forgot Sami’s sippy cup, and I also forgot to bring in ointment for the very nasty diaper rash he aquired at the babysitter’s yesterday. 

Bad, bad, bad mommy.

I was so exhausted that I started crying on the bus reading Barack Obama’s memoir, moved beyond words at the loving way that he wrote about his now-deceased single mom.  It was all I could do not to start sobbing on the 53 bus.  The quote that sent me over the edge was this:

“I know that she was the kindest, most generous spirit I have ever known, and what is best in me I owe to her.”

I could have said those words about my own mother, also dead and gone so many long years…

Will Sami ever be able to say something even close about me?

***

Once at work, I somehow managed to be productive. 

But Sami’s tushie was on my mind.  Little did I know that even if I had brought the ointment, there was a whole rigamarole to content with.  I got a call from his school at about 10 am saying that they would have to fax me a form that I fax to his pediatrician and then the pediatrician faxes it back to them authorizing them to put some Desitin on his rear.  I wish I was kidding.  Once the fax ring had gone full circle, a dear, sweet self-employed mama friend whose daughter goes to Sami’s school brought some ointment at about 2:30 pm and insisted that they apply it to his chapped little bum. 

Thank heaven for the village.

These days I have not been feeling very much like shit for being a 24/7 single mom.  I actually am pretty empowered about it.  Until I came to this call bank event for Obama.  It was billed as a kid friendly event.  So far so good.

Juggle young kids and campaign? YES WE CAN!

Hell yes!  I’m ready to do whatever I can for this beautiful son of a single mom.  I’m fired up.  Tell me more…

Ladies, we’ll volunteer for the Falls Church campaign office, while dads & kids (5 & under) have a blast around the corner at Monkey Business, including an awesome 30-min kids performance…

Deflate.  Deflate, deflate, deflate.

I made a joke about it with a co-worker, trying to cover up my hurt, the sense of shame that bubbles up on moments like these, moments when it feels like ALL parents of young kids are frickin’ married.  Of the ones who are divorced, most SHARE custody with their exes, and here I am, 24/7 single mom.  The freak.  The pariah.

It’s bullshit, but it’s compelling bullshit.

It is when I am tired like this that my mind begins to broadcast a very disturbing series of messages about How Bad Things Are.  Tonight, too tired to actually make dinner, I take Sami to our favorite Middle Eastern joint, and I see the young guy with the cool faux hawk who knows me and Sami.  He’s seen us come there with Sami since he was a little baby.  First it was me and Sami and his dad.  Then it was Sami and his dad, when he was doing visitations with him.  Now it is me and Sami.  I wonder if the young man has any thoughts about that.  He sure seemed happy to see me. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I said.

“You haven’t been here,” he said.

“Yes, we have!”

“Oh, well my schedule changed.”

I am too shy to say anything more.  When I got up to ask for an extra plate, and he asked me if I needed one before I could even open my mouth.  One of the other employees opened the door for us as I strolled Sami out of there.  I felt very kindly-treated and it mitigated some of the sting from the Falls Church Two-Parent Families for Obama.

After dinner we went to a bookstore and I used a 30% off coupon to buy The Rules for Online Dating.  But who am I kidding?  I must be on crack.  I just can’t seem to justify leaving Sami with a sitter to go on blind dates with guys I’ve met on internet dating sites.  When his dad was taking him on Friday nights, it was a different story.  But that’s just not reality anymore.  My time (especially with my son) and money are so precious.  And right now I see online dating as pretty much a dead end.  Maybe once I get some sleep, maybe once this crazy full moon passes, then I might see things a little differently.

For now…I’m just going to take my chances and keep trusting the Universe to provide me with everything I need.  I’m going to keep getting up every morning and doing this wacky work thing even when I can’t believe I’m supposed to do it again the next day.  I’m going to read Barack Obama’s memoir on the bus and cry if I want to.  I’m going to give my seat to mamas and their kids every chance I get. 

I’m going to give my son tons of hugs and kisses, for as long as he will tolerate it, and tell him over and over how lucky I am to be his mama.

I’m going keep slogging through the exhaustion, get some B Vitamins (thanks, Ms. Single Mama) and try to get to bed before 11 pm.  It’s getting close to 11 and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet, so I will end this post right here.  Goodnight!