The full moon hangs larger than life in the sky and my heart is open.  

Oh it’s so odd how I swing from feeling so disconnected to feeling so connected, like tonight.

Ricky’s death reminded me that life is nothing but a glorious series of possibilities.  How blessed we are to breathe, how blessed our hearts to beat on this crazy spinning orb.  How can we ever take this human existence for granted, even for one second?  The Buddha taught what a rare gift it is to be born a human because of our potential to transcend suffering and realize enlightenment.  

So overcome was I by Ricky’s passing that I forgot about what a beautiful day it was.  A strange thing happened: I was supposed to go on a trip to Baltimore with a friend, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea was devoid of all joy for me.  So I told my friend with deep apology that I would need to take a rain check.  I just knew beyond all doubt that I needed to spend some time out in nature and was planning a drive to go and see the fall colors.  Not ten minutes after hanging up with my friend, some other friends called and asked if Sami and I wanted to go and check out the leaves.  What an extraordinary synchronicity!  This is what happens when you follow your intuition.

Sami and I and our friends spent the morning in Rock Creek Park playing in the leaves.  How long it has been since I spent some simple time in nature!  Sami had a total blast running around with his friend Rebecca and pointing out the fall colors.  The air was so crisp and so filled with the fragrance of fall, rich decomposing colors lining the damp ground.  I breathed in life and felt my feet connect with the ground.  So often I am checked out, but on that day I was present.  

My friend C and I watched a hawk circle overhead, graceful and true.  We watched it for quite a while, and it made an impression on us.  We were struck silent.  After I found out about Ricky’s death, I thought of that hawk and it occurred to me briefly that maybe it was her spirit trying to let me know that she was ok.  Then I started Googling about hawk medicine and I found this wonderful passage from The Daily Om:

Hawks have the power to soar high above the earth, giving them a perspective previously only available to the inhabitants of the heavens above. Because of this, people from various cultures throughout history have seen them as messengers of spirit, bringing wisdom from the heavens and the value of their higher vision down to earth. From their vantage point, riding on the wind and sunlight, they remind us today that there is a bigger picture to be seen. When we get bogged down with the details of what is right in front of us, hawks help us remember that we are part of a larger plan and that everything fits together beautifully and perfectly. Once in this expanded frame of mind, we can harness their reputation as visionaries, using their keen eyesight to focus on the exact spot that truly needs our attention. With inspiration and focus on our goal, hawks teach us how to interpret and then follow our personal vision. 

Oh this is the medicine I need to hear.  If it is you, Ricky, I know that you’re OK wherever you might be, and you’re letting me know that I’m OK, too.  You’re telling me to stay in Big Mind, Big Heart.  When I get bogged down in pain and stress, discouraged by the oppressive details, all I need to do is breathe and remember to zoom out hawk-style to see the way everything unfolds just as it should.  Things take care of themselves whether you worry about them or not.  Compassionate action comes from a place of stillness.

I had been stressing so deeply about Sami’s tantrums and throwing all kinds of angry and negative messages on myself.  I managed to convince myself that everything was out of control and that I was the worst mother to ever push a baby out of her uterus.  But that day, when I spent a gentle and quiet time in nature with Sami, there were no tantrums.  There was only connection.  Both of us connected with each other and with nature.  All things flowed when I got away from the concrete jungle and came back to the limitless expanse of my heart.  

I do believe that it is possible to be connected anywhere, even in the concrete jungle.  I have felt deeply connected to all things smack in the middle of L Street.  There is no “sacred” and “profane” to me — but there is something about escaping the confines of the walls and just plain being wild and free.  I build these walls in my mind and heart and I sit amongst them day after day.  How good to break free for a bit and realize the potential for freedom within.

How beautiful to feel one’s feet sink softly into yielding yet firm earth.  How glorious to turn to the full moon hanging outside my window, my eyes filled with tears as I mourn a friend and celebrate her spirit circling high and fierce overhead, cutting through the static, reminding me of what really matters in life.

Thank you, Ricky.