I was going to title this post, “the snake crawls out of the slime pit.” 

But I decided that was just too mean-spirited.

On Sami’s birthday, I get a three line email out of the blue from my ex saying that he would like to start seeing Sami again and asking to go back to the regular Friday night to Saturday afternoon schedule we had had before he went MIA, “if it is possible.”  No explanation as to where the hell he has been for the last 10 months, just a matter-of-fact request.  “If it is possible.”

Yes, it’s fucking possible.

It’s been possible for the last 10 months.  I always told you that the door was open to see your son any time you wanted to.

You ASSHOLE!

Where the hell have you been?

But I did not write any of that.  I kept it civil and businesslike and explained to him that it might be a little premature to start jumping into overnights.  I suggested that we start with short visits and take it from there, depending on how Sami was doing with the transition.  He didn’t debate me on that. 

My ego demands an explanation from him.  The last one I got, right before our divorce, was that “he just wanted to be a jerk right now.” 

My ego wants to inflict enormous amounts of guilt on him.  It wants to punish him and make him wrong. 

My heart says that for Sami’s sake, I must put my own rage aside and give him the benefit of the doubt.

But oh, oh, oh, I don’t want to take the high road.  I am not a violent person but I have fantasies of slapping his face.  Multiple times.  How dare he abandon his son for 10 months without so much as asking about him, and then show up when he decides he feels like being a father again?  I’ve never had the choice but to be Sami’s mom, to be with him through every laugh and giggle and hug and song and clawing my face and feverish cry and knock-down, drag-out tantrum from hell. 

Not that I would even consider making that choice.  I’ve had bad mommy days - VERY bad mommy days -but never once have I ever considered abandoning my child. 

Maybe I sound self-righteous.  I can admit that.  I am trying to get inside his head and understand.  This was a man I had been with for 10 years.  But now I wonder if I really knew him at all.  I never thought he was someone who could abruptly desert his small and vulnerable son.  I know I am judging him.  I know I have no idea what was going on for him.  But how?  How is it possible?  I can see having a freakout and needing some time.  You freak out for a month, three months.  But 10 months?  That’s almost a third of Sami’s life.  He missed out on so much.  Sami asked about him every day for 2 whole months.  It was my heart that broke daily at his questions for which I had no good answer.  And then when he stopped asking, I didn’t know whether to be relieved or devastated.

I am afraid.  Afraid that he will pull this shit again.  That Sami will open his heart up and get attached once more, and then he will get cold feet again and run off.  If you are capable of abandoning your child once, you are certainly capable of doing it again.  You have opened that door, and it becomes an ever-present option.

The awakened part of me wants to muster up some compassion.  But I can’t.  Right now, I just can’t. There is a lump of anger sitting raw and quivering in my throat.  I am enraged at this disruption of the flow of our lives.  We had a flow!  Sami is happy.  We have our ups and downs, but our life together has been uncomplicated and good since he left.

Yet, I have to remember that this is not about me, but about our son.  He deserves to have a father in his life, if that father really commits to a relationship.  I know my ex is not on drugs or abusive.  The person I knew was a good guy, a responsible guy, the most loving dad I had ever seen.  That’s why it scares me so much that he was able just to turn it off.   

I’m writing all of this and I’m feeling all of these emotions in anticipation of something that I don’t even know will occur.  I don’t even know if he will actually show up this Monday after school (which is supposed to be the first meeting).  I have been through this before.  In September, after I sent him an email asking him to reconsider his decision, he said he was going to show up.  When I tried to get him to confirm a time, he backed off and that was three months ago.  So it is possible that this is just more of the same.

Tonight, in the midst of my anger, I try to remember the love that I felt for my ex husband.  We once shared something spectacular.  We had our struggles but I loved him so much.  Now I feel hatred for him, which is the flip side of love, I suppose.  There’s a lot of energy there.  I feel like it’s so “unspiritual” to hate him, but I must be honest with myself about what is in my heart or the hate will take on the additional power that comes with suppression. 

One thing I know is that I will do everything in my power to hide this hatred from Sami.  I will not act it out.  I will never say a bad word about his father in front of him.  I will do my best to be businesslike and civil in all interactions with the man.  I will be simple and clear about my boundaries.  I will not nag or criticize or induce guilt.  That is my ego wanting satisfaction and I know better than to give into its petty demands.  I will act as if I have forgiven him, even if my heart is bubbling with rage and disgust.  Perhaps if I act the part, after a while, my heart will soften, because it is my intention to forgive, even if I can’t right now. 

As I write this I know that this anger is much bigger than my ex-husband.  It is intimately bound up my own unhealed experience of father-abandonment.  I thought I had dealt with it, but perhaps not.  It’s hard to be angry at my own father, because he is dead, but maybe some of that anger I feel right now is directed his way, too.  I don’t know.  Don’t need to figure it out.  I just need to let this all move through me, because everything moves. 

All things arise and pass away, even this pain that feels as dense as lead.  It too, is ephemeral.