Someone to tell me what to do.
There is not much narrative
Left in me right now. 
I’m tired.
This morning I get an email from the ex
Agreeing that we have gone nowhere with our nasty emails.
Our fights have always been legendary.
I really want to have Sami in my life
As much as I want to be in his,
He wrote.
I spoke to a wonderful lawyer today
Who gave me some pro bono advice
On my options regarding visitation.
At first I got all psyched up.
Now I’m afraid to protect myself and push back.
I feel silly for my need to make this feel
Just a little bit safer.
I keep arguing with myself.
Keep playing different scenarios in my head.
Can’t seem to turn off my brain.
Can’t settle down to meditate
I’m so afraid of what I will find.
I guess that is the whole point.
I promise to breathe for five minutes after I post this.
I just want someone to tell me,
“Do this,
Then do this,
Then do this.
And I promise,
It will all be OK.”