Today I was reflecting on impermanence and how extraordinary it is and how when we realize, truly realize that everything in life is impermanent, how it can set us free.
This week I was in a hardened shell of anger and self-righteousness towards my ex. Then, with one apology, it all changed. With the willingness to let go of my story, my moral superiority, the rage flipped into understanding and even a good measure of compassion.
Yesterday Sami had his first solo visit with his dad in 11 months. They went out for lunch and hung around downtown Silver Spring. When they pulled away in his car, I could feel how painful it was to let go. This reminded me in a small way of how I felt when we were newly separated and he first started taking him for overnights. I felt like a vital organ had been ripped out of my body.
But that passed and changed and although I missed my little guy terribly when he was gone, I began to cherish my one free night and afternoon a week. It looks like those days are going to be coming back again. I’m not sure of the time table yet, but it may be soon.
Sami is bonding with “H” as he calls him, not “daddy.” When my ex left with him, there was nary a tear or sign of separation anxiety, and Sami also came back to me easily and happily. This doesn’t seem to be stressful for him, at least not at this point, which is such a relief.
There is just one more person in his life now who is showing him love and affection, and that is just stellar.
When my ex was MIA, I thought it was forever. Now he is back, and I don’t know what will happen next, and I am reminded on a new level that nothing is forever.
And now, for something completely different…
While Sami was with his dad, I went out on the best date I’ve gone on in a while. Mystery Taxicab Man is such a remarkable person — well-traveled, politically conscious, bright as can be, funny, cute — and Jewish. Which is kind of important for me, more on a cultural level than a religious one, but it’s nice to date someone Jewish.
We ended up going out for brunch and I felt so connected and comfortable with him. There was zero awkwardness. He makes me laugh, and he makes me think, and from the little I know of him, I admire him tremendously. His mind turns me on.
I’m not going to write too much more about him, because this might actually be going somewhere and I want to make sure that he’s OK with me blogging about him.
He did call me back today, and we are going out again sometime this week.
I love this feeling. I do. That walking on the clouds feeling when there is someone new and all this promise of a mysterious relationship unfolding. I am full of goodwill towards the world and feel comfortable in my skin.
It’s fantastic, but impermanent, I know. I’ve been here before in this exhilarated place and had it all come crashing down with tremendous force. Yet tonight, I’m giving myself permission to feel just this wonderful, just this connected, heart open, joyful mind.
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.