one single mother. one spririted preschooler. oy — what a life.
I know it is ridiculous. I know it is. But as I was getting a blowout in this fantastic Dominican salon today, I was retracing the steps, and one of my theories is that MTM Googled me and got scared off.
I told him my last name on our very fun and thrilling first date, and it was soon thereafter that he fizzled and poofed. When you Google me, all kinds of intense stuff comes up.
For much of the past eight years, I have been an advocate for rights and self-determination for people diagnosed with mental illnesses. At the age of 25, I made a conscious decision to go public about this stuff, and it was scary as hell. I made a decision to speak out, and I don’t regret it. I believe in the cause. I believe in breaking down the stigma and telling the truth, in large part so that others will feel less alone, and perhaps more comfortable telling theirs.
Online, there are all kinds of articles I’ve written and bios from conferences and speaking engagements. The bios talk about how my parents were both people with diagnoses of severe mental illnesses, whose lives were in essence cut short by the terrible “care” they received, and how I myself went through a very traumatic time as an adolescent in the mental health system. I have also written extensively about how no matter how traumatized we have been, no matter how much we have suffered, we can and do heal and find a way to live meaningful lives in the world. That is the message I’ve brought to my writing and work for the last eight years.
But anyone who didn’t know me from Eve and Googled me would probably be horrified and think, “who is this crazy lady with two crazy parents?”
I know, my mind is working overtime. I need to just divest the energy and focus elsewhere.
A wise friend suggested that I need a project or a class or something that is just about me. Now that Sami is with his dad pretty consistently on Saturdays I need to look into that. Some kind of nurturing and fun thing that is about building up my self esteem and bringing me joy. Maybe a dance class or a writing workshop or something enriching like that.
Yet - this Google thing haunts me. I can’t shake the fear that any potential date will get scared off when the inevitable Googling happens. Am I doomed?
In the end, MTM poofed and I have no idea why. And anyway, do I want to be with someone who is that easily scared off? Instead of constructing elaborate theories that may or may not be true, I just need to move on.
And moving on I am. I live in DC and it is Inauguration weekend, people! The atmosphere is buzzing with excitement, and I just scored a free ticket to one of those fancy-schmancy balls tomorrow evening. Bibbity-bobbity-boo! Cinderella’s going to the ball.
I’m going to put on a fabulous LBD, walk in there with the killer blow-out I acquired today, drink one (or several) glasses of champagne and feel fantastic about being alive. I am so lucky to be a part of this amazing historic weekend in our nation’s capital.
Yes we did!
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.
T
January 18th, 2009 at 4:52 am
I am SO jealous about the inauguration ball!! How fun is that?!
Re: the Google thing
You could always be upfront when on a date, joking around about what he might find when googling you. When he sees what you’re passionate about and why and he still wants to date you, that guy’s a keeper! If not, then move on!
Re: MTM
Have you tried calling to say hello? It doesn’t hurt to call to check in and say hello from a purely friendly level. I know many others would disagree with me but I also know that life keeps us all very busy…. you never know.
Because, you know what they say about assuming…
Have you read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel-Ruiz? Great book!
admin
January 18th, 2009 at 5:01 am
T - that is a great idea! I do work in the mental health field and maybe could just say that I have a personal connection to the issue that drives me. That way it wouldn’t be so much of a shock if or when they discover my online “rap sheet.”
Sigh. I called MTM on Wed. and left a friendly, short VM message. And it is now Saturday night. In the scheme of things it’s not forever, but he went from excitedly calling me the day after our date, wanting to schedule another, to total disappearance.
I love Don Miguel-Ruiz. His book The Mastery of Love is also terrific.
single mom seeking
January 18th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Dang, what is up with that MTM? I know how disappointing that must be… you are worthy, please know that.
You can only imagine how much this resonates with me. (Google me, and oh my!!). You deserve to be with a man who’s in awe of you because of all the work and advocacy you’ve done. It’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
C
January 18th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
If much of my history was easily Google-able, I’d be screwed. I have had enough serious lows in my life that anytime a new relationship gets serious, we have to have “a talk.” It’s mortifying, and some people can’t handle it. But you know what? It weeds out the weaklings and the people who would never be able to be supportive and loving and to accept all of me.
Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe this guy can’t hack it. Maybe he can’t handle a whole person, complete with strength, experience, passion, and a few human weaknesses. You deserve better.
Dr. Leah www.singlemommyhood.com
January 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Who cares what’s up with MTM? You’re going to the ball!
It’s the people with “zero Google” who concern me. You’re an advocate for humane and effective care for the mentally ill.
Be proud and, please, continue those efforts.
G
January 18th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Yep! Everyone above has said it perfectly. You’re going the ball!! Yayyyy. And, the man that can accept you for the wonderful, brave, funny, loving, healthy person that you are - is the man worth waiting for. Onward and upward m’dear.
Hugs
G
G
January 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Oh - and I forgot: you’re gorgeous too!
won
January 18th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
You know, I really struggle with the google thing. There is one thing in particular that could be seen that worries me. And then, I remind myself I am not the sum total of the letters on this screen.
Sure, what you might find could be very easy to judge. Yet, when I have the opportunity to share it with people verbally and in person, the impression they are left with is much different than the first set of people just reading it without a clear understanding could walk away with.
So, I continue to hold my head up and constantly remind myself that I am who I am…this I know, and that is what really matters.
Whatever you find on google has more history than is shown on these pages on your computer….
Mike
January 18th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
It’s something we all face at one point or another in our dating life. Do we let our morals and beliefs affect our dating lives. There will be many people who don’t agree with you and let me tell you if they don’t the relationship is destined not to last long. If you are untrue to yourself the relationship will be a sham and also destined for failure. Be yourself and proud of it and a man will love you for it.
krista
January 19th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Oh Leah! I think that psych survivors- particularly psych survivor advocates- are wicked awesome. We’re like a special breed of people, seriously. It is actually sort of a quirky and interesting thing about you that makes you more alluring, multi-faceted, and wonderfully soulful and deep. The wounded healers are always the most compassionate. You are a healer in this world. A spiritual person. One who has been through hell and back and lives to not just tell but to fight to make the road less wretched for others. Don’t you see how any fool who googles you and learns this about you should soften and warm in admiration and respect? You need to date men who understand this powerful part of you, and who look at you in appreciation and awe of all that you’ve been though, and all that you are. If some fool googles you and is turned off by what comes up- he is not likely to be the kind of person who would move your soul, who would raise your roof, who would give you the kind of energetic balm you need to inspire your life and create fire and watery peace in your heart.
What comes up when your name is googled is magic, transformation, courage, beauty, strength, and action.
Don’t EVER forget that.
MindyMom
January 19th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Have a great time at the ball and don’t worry about the stufff that’s out of your control! (like MTM and Google) In some ways I think that stuff on google is a good filter for those I date; if they can’t handle it they can’t handle me!
dadshouse
January 19th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I think your cause is great, but it might indeed be too much for a guy to swallow from google. Better he hears it from you (not necessarily on the first date - whenever it feels right). That way he can see your passion, and separate you from any crazy preconceived notions he might have. You aren’t marked for life - most people are impressed by someone who is passionate about a cause, especially when it’s intensely personal. Don’t give up - just change the rules to work in your favor.
Bad Mummy
January 20th, 2009 at 5:37 am
I’m a pysch consumer/survivor and always wonder how much I have to joke about my ‘happy pills’ before a guy gets it. Maybe it’s better that I stick on a button on my lapel that reads ‘Ask me about my mental health issues.’
In any case, the cause is worth it and any dude who is scared off by the awesome work you do is not worth your time. It may not be 1st date convo, but if he wants to know because his curiousity was piqued by his google search, he’ll ask.
Mama Dharma
January 21st, 2009 at 4:22 am
I feel like you all are my cheering squad. Thank you so much. I so appreciate your comments. In the end, it is true. The stuff that is all over the net is a huge part of who I am — not all of who I am, but it’s majorly important to me and any potential mate would have to be supportive of my history and my choices.
Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words, your encouragement, and reminding me that I need to stay true to who I am and walk proud.