I know I’ve been pretty weepy/whiny/negative on here lately…and am not meaning to be…but shit is hard right now. And this feels like a safe place to write about the hard shit.
I am needing to travel a lot for work lately, and I’ve been leaning heavily on Sami’s dad…he’s been really good about stepping up but I am afraid to put too many requests on him. Wanting not to push it, for this next trip I lined up child care between a friend and my aunt for a 2.5 day trip to Jefferson City, MO. I got in yesterday afternoon and am supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon to go home, but they are calling for major thunderstorms and possibly tornadoes tomorrow afternoon, just when I am supposed to be getting on a plane. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, and I know as well as anyone that storms do pass, but I am really scared. There are not a lot of flights out of here and I’m worried about missing it and leaving him for yet a third night.
My friend reported that last night he did not do well - she said he was up half the night crying and screaming for me. She said he kept waking in the night and reaching for her, then realizing that she wasn’t me. It’s heartbreaking.
It is the first time I leave him for the night with anyone but me or his dad. He does know my friend well, and she is a mama herself, so I was hoping it would be OK. And I know on some level it is OK. There is some kind of primal scream going on inside me though, knowing the separation is hard on my little guy.
I am just feeling like I’ve made so many mistakes - not reaching out to his dad, and taking a job that involves travel, for starters. I just was so hoping it would be ok. When I talked to Sami about what was going to happen, he seemed fine with it. But maybe he is too young to really understand what I said to him.
My heart is just hurting so bad right now. I’m alone in this hotel room crying and just feeling like such an awful parent. In a panic, I did reach out to his dad to ask him to help in the event that I don’t make it home tomorrow, and he said he would be willing to do it but that he was going to “email me with his concerns about the whole situation.” I went into this whole thing not wanting to involve him. Now I have, and I feel ten times worse. Dreading that email from him.
I know my child will not be scarred for life by this, and I know that in some ways this experience is teaching him about his own strength and capacity to endure difficulty, but I can’t bear the thought that I have caused him this distress.
Perhaps I need to consider talking to my boss, or finding a new job where travel is not involved. But in this economy it is scary to contemplate such a thing. I know I need to shift my attitude. Right now I am mired in fear and self-loathing. I need to find some way to accept that this is the situation - the messy, messy situation. Yet, as a friend pointed out, right now my child is warm, fed, and being cared for by a kind, loving person. It could be so much worse. But it’s not all that much consolation.
Please send wishes for a storm-free day tomorrow so I can get home to my little bug. I miss him so, so much.
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.