Discipline is not my strong suit these days.
My sitting practice - more or less out the window.
Mindful eating/consumption? Not so much. My ass is slowly but surely expanding, a universe of its own, and I’ve moved to elastic waistbands for the time being.
Exercise? If you count carrying a kicking, screaming 42-pound preschooler out of Target, I guess I’m doing ok.
Writing? About as consistent as DC weather.
Yadda yadda yadda. I’m practicing being compassionate to myself through all this. But that doesn’t mean that I can keep slapping myself on the back for making the same old choices - (or non-choices) that aren’t serving me or anyone else. At some point, no matter how you love that friend who keeps doing the same thing and whining about it, you have to buy her a latte, shake her, and say, “Wake up, GODDAMNIT!”
I’m working on it.
Things came to a bit of an emotional head for me about 10 days ago, after the Missouri trip o’ tears (I was PMSing at the time, but still, even without hormones, it would have sucked).
It was on that trip that I realized that I had reached the limit, finito, in my current job. I really love the people I work with, but the travel. The rush to get to the office 5 days a week - the harried evenings when I had to cab it to Sami’s school at $10 a pop because the bus did not show in time. The last almost 8 months of this has been grueling. But you do what you have to do, when you have no choice - or when you perceive that you have no choice.
And then the choice appeared. In the form of a phone call, from someone I know and love, offering me a job at an organization that changed my life many years ago. And…get this.
No ridiculous travel schedule.
Excellent pay, with benefits.
Interesting, engaging work for social change.
I was told that if I wished, I could pick up my child early from school and finish my work at night, after he went to sleep.
I submitted my resignation from job #1 as soon as I got a signed contract from job #2.
My first official day on the new job is June 5.
The second best part of the new telecommuting job, after the flexibility and the time to be with Sami? The chance to take care of myself again. Since starting the job, I gave up exercising - when was I going to do it? On my non-existent lunch hour? Jump off the bus and walk to work? Didn’t work so well for me in winter. It would have been fine, until the summer heat kicked in, and I walked into my office drenched in sweat.
Maybe those were all excuses, but I could not find the time to fit it consistently into my life, no matter how much I thought of different scenarios.
Now, I actually can take some time for me after I drop Sami off at school, instead of rushing like a crazy woman to get downtown. I plan to start swimming at the local pool.
Life is all about movement - if I get bored or feel stuck, can I remember this?
Can I remember that sometimes great opportunities come out of the blue?
Can I remember that not everything has to be a monumental struggle?
Can I remember that big changes are often the result of small, daily actions?
Can I remember to remember?
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.