I HATE married people.

13Jul2009 Filed under: Losing it, Single mamahood, attachment, breaking up is hard to do, dark night, divorce, loneliness, longing Author: admin

[I need to preface this to say that I don't hate my individual married friends, just married people as a group. It's a form of bigotry directed at the wedded.]

Today I am in just that kind of mood.

I took Sami to the pool today, and as it was Sunday, the pool was jam-packed with dads.

Married couples.

Everywhere.

Pregnant bellies bursting with life.

I know I know nothing about these peoples’ lives, for all I know their lives could be hell on earth, but all this marriage and procreation makes me feel like a single, worthless, disgusting, unlovable freak.

I tried my best to be present for my Sami, and we did have a good time splashing and playing catch and jumping back and forth between the baby pool and the kids’ pool. But I would be lying if I said that inside I was not aching.

I love myself. I love and adore myself. I’m wonderful and amazing and beautiful and bright, I believe and know this to be true. So, I’m wondering why no one else will fucking love me.

Yes, I am well aware that I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I got into a fight with my 87 year old grandmother because every time she calls (this is every 2-3 days) she asks if I have found anyone yet. Or she asks me how my “social life” is, which is a euphemism for dating.

“WHEN I FIND SOMEONE, I’LL TELL YOU. UNTIL THEN, DON’T ASK!” I bellowed rather unkindly.

Goddamn married people keep friending me on Facebook. They are all married with children. One friend from my elementary school days. I keep crying when I visit his page. He has two cute little kids. I have not seen him since I was about 12.

Another friend from grad school friended me tonight. Married, with a gorgeous little daughter.I also teared up when I saw the picture of his smiling little family.

I feel so stupid being so whiny, when I have so much to be grateful for.

Shame on me for focusing on what I don’t have.

But this is my blog. Where else can I be honest in all my whiny purity?

Right now, I fucking hate married people and I envy the safety and security of their lives. Even if their spouses annoy them to no end, even if they are not having sex, at least there is someone there. Someone to come home to and someone to share a bed with, share life with and share the joys and stresses of raising children.

They are everywhere. The married people. They are out in force. In public, at every turn, flaunting their couplehood to us single losers, whose husbands left them and are about to have babies with other people. Why do I feel like I am in some kind of horrible nightmare? I just feel like such a freak, like something is quite seriously wrong with me because I can’t seem to find anyone to love and love me.

I literally feel the bile churning in my stomach as I type this. I know how immature and un-spiritual and ungrateful of a post it is. I know I should be practicing acceptance and looking for the blessing and staying present and breathing and all that shit.

It seems I can’t quite do much better than this lately.

Tomorrow, or this week for sure, I will write about my experience of seeing Amma, two years later and receiving the darshan. It actually was quite wonderful, but clearly I am far from blissed out. My journey these days is one of anger and bitterness. Dollops of hatred and splashes of rage. But the sweet maraschino cherry in this nasty-ass cocktail of discontent is Sami, my son, my light. He makes this vile drink of life bearably sweet.

“You’re the best mommy I never seen!” he exclaimed to me this morning.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

29 Responses to “I HATE married people.”

Svasti
July 13th, 2009 at 8:11 am

I hear ya. But I disagree, its not diametrically opposed to your ’spiritual self’. I mean, the key thing with growing as a person is being honest, and this post is you being honest with how you feel at a certain time.

At least you’ve been blessed with a child. I’m 37, single and with no prospects of meeting anyone really… and no kids. I have two wonderful nieces, a sister who secretly (but its so loud I can hear it) wishes I’d meet someone nice, and two parents who look at me pitifully and wonder if I’m jealous of my sister’s happiness.

I’m not.

But I am thankful they’ve all stopped asking at least…

And yet, I would like a little personal happiness of my own. The last few days I’ve been holding my own private pity party. I look at some of the ummm, rather unenlightened and downright unconcious people around me that seem to have no trouble getting all hooked up and popping out babies…

But me? Not a chance, apparently. And yeah, I’ve got all those old school friends on Facebook, too. Some of them are just having kids now. There’s a few singles left like me but not many.

Who knows why everyone’s lives work out so very differently? I have no idea, but I do know one thing. This discontent you’re feeling and that I too, feel?

Its a fairy story.

All of those magical childhood tales, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the one about the swans… there’s a tonne of them. And then there’s a tonne of modern day versions too.

They all have the same message - we’re all meant to ‘eventually’ meet our perfect partner and live Happily Ever After. But real life isn’t like that, unfortunately.

And being alone, it really does suck sometimes. You want someone who knows you intimately, who you can share things with.

But not everyone is destined to have that experience.

Really, I don’t think we’d enjoy it anyway. But having been spoon fed the fairy tale for years and seeing so many other people live that way, argh!!

There’s no simple answers to this one. Some of the lovliest people I know have been single for way longer than I have. And they’d all like things to be different.

So all I can say is I hear ya…
T
July 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm

I agree with the above commenter.

You have to learn to accept your feelings, no matter how bitter or “ugly” they may seem. Acceptance of those things will allow you to look at them…. and then let them go.

I love your honesty. We all go through this, married or single. I guarantee there are some married people who are hatin’ right now too.

We love you sweetie. For what its worth…

((hugs))
Cathy
July 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Hey Mama,

I went to the pool by myself yesterday (two, actually, b/c the first one was so crowded there was a line outside). I had a fine time cooling off and reading in the sun. I was missing Bear and so enjoyed seeing the kids splashing like crazy in the zoo that was the kiddie side of the pool.

And, yes, the sight of pregnant women there made me remember (1) that heavy feeling of carrying somebody in my body (2) I will not be doing that again b/c that shop has closed. But it was okay. I was doing my thing, feeling a little bit single on my off weekend. Making my way around the city with no real plans, and much agility.

But the next time you go to the pool, promise you’ll hit me up and see if I’m available? It’ll be better.
Karen Maezen Miller
July 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Love is not always what it’s cracked up to be.
Ash
July 13th, 2009 at 8:49 pm

You know how I feel about all the “happy, happy crap”, so I say, let us hear you sister. Why not let it all out and tell us just how pissed you are? You know how sometimes you feel just amazing after a good cry/scream session? Maybe that’s what is in order here.

love you always.
G
July 14th, 2009 at 3:17 am

Ahem! One of your “marrid” (my cross between the word “married” and “horrid”) friends here. Boy, was I glad of that preface!

But you are so right, we place such a premium on coupledom as if it were going to fix everything - make unhappy people happy, and imperfect people perfect - and so on. Then when we land in coupledom we find that we took our unhappy imperfect selves along and…… well, we know how it goes.

But I agree with those above, you have to feel what you feel and not beat yourself up over it. I think that sometimes our anger and frustration can signal that a breakthrough is close. And I don’t mean that the knight on the white horse is galloping down the driveway. Just that you are getting closer to knowing what you want, and what you can give in return - so when you meet that person, you’ll have a good chance of recognizing him and making sure he recognizes you.

Much love and hugs,
G

Oh yeah - and you are not a single, worthless, disgusting, unlovable freak. You are a gorgeous, vibrant, passionate, interesting woman (who happens to be between men) and has her priorities straight and her hands full with her incredibly adorable son! So there! xoxoxo
NG
July 15th, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I got into a fight with my 87 year old grandmother because every time she calls (this is every 2-3 days) she asks if I have found anyone yet.

The above drive me nuts.

I kinda know what you mean. I had the same feelings as you once. I used to be bitter that I only had one child. I used to really, really want to be a couple or be married.

I married someone just to be married, and because I was lonely.

Wait until the hatred and the anger is gone before you hook up with someone.

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I kinda want to find someone new, but I have been told to wait two year…two years of being kind to myself and being comfortable with myself.

That might sound like an enternity

Hey, the day my first husband remarried…it was like I was in a fog…it was terrible….so your dealing with some pretty heavy stuff.
admin
July 16th, 2009 at 3:05 am

Oh, your comments are so beautiful and insightful everyone, and they mean so much. I am doing my best to take this in, the support and the kindness you all are showing. The wisdom to which you have responded to my words. Thank you for this.

Cathy - I’ll call you girl the next time I am headed into the family pool zone.
beth
July 16th, 2009 at 4:25 am

all i can say is you can find your place on the map (I did)
in John Grey’s “Starting Over”, Really.
krista
July 26th, 2009 at 12:00 pm

hey leah-
my friends are all engaged and very very deeply in love. none of them have kids yet and their lives are (from my perspective) quite simple and easy. One colleague and very close friend of mine is married with a 16 year old. I am around happy traditional friends who are couples all the time, and am embarrassed by how much it effects me and makes me sad. this weekend I am away with an in love couple and I had to call my single friend and one point for some comradery. I “should” just be happy for them and not personalize everything right? What gets me the most is that I ultimately do not want “traditional” relationships in my life anyway, but seeing it all around me, and seeing the security does somehow make me sad about my own life. Anyway, no major insights to offer except this- I am there too and I completely understand how you are feeling. One thing I try to remember is that even if I were in partnership with someone I would ultimately still be alone. You and I both know, everything we need is within us. Sure, extra hands for dishes, bathtimes, story times and all that jazz is helpful, but it’s up to us alone to build our life in a way we like it anyway, even if we are married or partnered or whatever. Also, sometimes partnership just complicates things and you end up having to compromise yourself too much to suit another person.
I am rambling. Just wanted to say hi because it’s been awhile, and thank you for writing.
Liz
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:12 am

Thanks for posting this. I can relate. I’m 39 and coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never have kids and may never get married. Although I’ve had an offbeat and adventurous life, I always assumed marriage and kids would be part of it. Almost everyone I know is coupled with kids, and it is hard to figure out why it didn’t happen for me. If anything it may be because I’m fairly perceptive, know what I want in a partner, and don’t place enough value on being married in and of itself that I’m willing to settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Still, you would think in all this time I would find someone! Recently I met a man who seemed perfect for me, but he has a girlfriend, and they seem to have a nice life, with lots of mutual interests and friends. I admit that I’ve been feeling that life is quite unfair!
jr
April 3rd, 2010 at 4:15 am

pleez.. at least you have a child!! How you think I feel being a year from 40, single man and never married nor kids! But honestly, I googled “why do i hate married people” and your blog came was the 2nd result and the only one I browsed. Once I clicked the link and this page came up, I laughed hysterically. I feel your sentiments exactly!! It’s like when i see videos on youtube or people on the street and immediately notice that they’re married, even prior to seeing their wedding bands, I cringe!! There’s just a serenity i see on their faces that can’t be quite described, but I know I don’t have it
Jane
April 7th, 2010 at 9:52 am

I am with you! I totally understand!! It’s ok to feel sad or less than elated for the wedded families from time to time! It’s ok to feel frustrated with those that don’t get it. Why is it that as soon as our friends get married, they instantly and compleeetely forget what it’s like being single or those who haven’t been single in years have no memory of it?! I too love all my friends&family married and otherwise but I am sorry….I don’t like being one of the last of my friends to be paired up/married. At times I feel very alone, abandoned, left out, jealous, confused, resentful, bitter, sorrry for myself and totally ashamed &embarassed that I feel this way!! I think I am attractive, happy,positive, have a healthy enough social circle and I am always trying to improve and enrich my life but I just don’t get it!
It’s frustrating that some of my newly married friends have seemd to dissappeared into marriage blackhole and seemed to have lost much of their identities. It’ s hurtful and confusing that all of the sudden my lifestyle that was just so recently “ours” is considered wild or “too much”.
I resent being left out of my friends’ couples/baby BBQ’s (maybe I do??) …… I feel like a loser and sad that for the holidays, that bc I don’t have my own family I am obligated or am guilted to attend whatever my siblings families are dong instead of planning my own holiday with unmarried single friends or ???
I loathe sitting at the kids tables at weddings OR being asked to take pictures of couples at weddings b/c I am alone
:,(…..I hate that my gorgeous younger sister got married and is having beautiful babies before me. Yes, it could be considered slightly flattering when guys say “OH I can’t believe you’re not married!!” But really it’s embarrassing and most positively just a come-on. I could go on but that’s all for today and not productive. All problems have a solution, and I wholeheartedly agree with G or NG in that identifying what you want is one step in the right direction. I also believe if you truly put something out into the universe it will return bc it’s just the law of nature right?! I’m all about positivity, being pro-active and finding solutions but sometimes you just need to vent! I’m glad to have found this site, sometimes it’s just frustrating!!!!
James
May 7th, 2010 at 7:54 am

Hello. I see that the original blog entry is pretty old but I stumbled upon this site in a similar way as the above poster. I typed “envy married people”. I feel so pathetic. I’m 34 and not only do I have no children and have never been married, I have actually never been with someone for longer than 6 months. I’m not really sure why. I think I’m actually pretty good-looking and I get dates easily. It’s pretty unusual for a woman to want a second date with me, though.
It depresses me to see couples and to see pregnant women. The other day at work a couple came up to the counter and talked to me a bit. They seemed very cool, very friendly. I recognized and understood and yet emotionally I felt hatred toward these two people who were trying to be friendly and perhaps brighten my day a little.
I hope I’m not violating any rule or anything but the URI I posted is of a website I have to spread awareness of and help repeal or amend the Shi’ite Personal Status Law of Afghanistan, a law which actually (among other things) allows marital rape.
Susanna
June 16th, 2010 at 11:34 pm

Hi Just like James, I went to google and typed in I hate married couples and i got your blog. Thank you so much for this, I am glad I do not stand alone. I am 46 years old and single AGAIN,
I have been so badly hurt and abused over the years, it has left me very very bitter. It is the harm the bitterness is probably doing to me that is my problem, not how I feel, because I am justified in how I feel. I will not and cannot post my story it is far too long, but I worry about what God thinks of me, because I am actualy happy deep down inside when ever I hear of marriages breaking up.
kim
July 10th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

OMG I am single in my late twenties i was going nuts tripping over baby strollers in my neighborhood and there are literally one to two wedding/engagement pics and new baby pics going up on that social networking site fb daily what is up with year 2010????
Tash
October 6th, 2010 at 8:09 am

Like some of the last few people who posted on here, i also just googled i hate married people…and came across this blog. Reading all the posts brought tears to my eyes - but it made me feel better that i am not alone with my feelings.

I am 39, single, never married, never even lived with a partner. It was my choice to move to the other side of the world from my family, so i feel so desperately alone. It wasn’t my choice to be single…not sure why, but anyone i meet doesn’t seem to want to hang around for long. I am the last one in my entire class at school (going on FB posts) to get married and have kids. I am the good looking one, the funny one, the intelligent one, the amazing and wonderful one - and i do believe in my self (without being over pretentious)…so i hate that i am the one who has missed out.

I am fed up of my married friends who shared all their excitement of their engagement, and then invited me to their wedding days…for me to be happy for them and join in the joyess day, putting on a brave face, while my heart is breaking inside. To then only moan to me and resent their ‘marriage’ , or their kids, because their life is not exciting anymore…that they are jealous of ME because i am single. Then the following week, i hear how their partner did this for them, or did that for them, or their kids are so cute, or how they ‘can’t pop over this weekend, as we’re having a BBQ with all our friends with kids’…like im suddenly a ‘leper’….
I would love someone to just wonder where i am sometimes, call me to ask me what i want for dinner, put a side lamp on because they notice i may not have enough light while i read, or just be there next to me on a flight, so i can lean my head on their shoulder when i get tired.

I have tried so hard to accept that these are the cards that life has dealt me, that i should be grateful for my health, that i am financially stable and i have gorgeous friends and family. But nothing takes away the feeling that you are some kind of freak in this world of couples and advertising and marketing that is always geared towards the modern family. At 39 years of age i now feel like i have been denied children of my own, denied the youthful looking bride that i could have been and denied the chance to enjoy grandchildren while im still fit and able.

Im sorry for feeling sorry for myself, im sorry for not being grateful enough of my freedom…but i am glad that other people feel like me and venting does help….and does make me feel better, so thank you for this blog.
Kim
November 24th, 2010 at 4:13 am

Hey there-I actually found this by typing in I HATE MARRIED PEOPLE. Your story…it’s mine too. Would love to facebook you if you are still around doing this and that. Would love to hear how your life is now.
chica.flamenca@yahoo.com
4mahmood
November 30th, 2010 at 5:20 pm

i agree with you…. it’s 200% true ….
Di
December 28th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

Hi, sweets. No idea whether you are still chewing on this one or not, but your blog popped up when I Googled “Why do I resent married people?” I don’t envy them the safety-and-security thing, because I have enough friends and family members who are twice and even thrice divorced to know that those “assurances” aren’t guaranteed, do not come with the territory, and might not last long if they do. What angers me is their sense of entitlement, and their smug conviction (anyone else remember Bridget Jones’s “smug marrieds”?) that they Have The Whole Thing Figured Out. Because I’m starting to discover, in my less-than-infinite wisdom borne of 47 years of hope and disappointment, that 1. There is no “whole thing” for everyone, and 2. You never figure it out.

Just saying.
Stacey
January 15th, 2011 at 7:57 am

Just survived another Christmas as a 42 y/o never-married single with no children. I always wanted to be married and be a mother. I feel totally left behind. I try to be thankful for all the things I DO have and most of the time I am but then again I do have my “moments”. These “moments” usually occur around the holidays.

I have had many dating relationships. All of them end with the same story. My last one I thought was the one. He told the friend of ours who fixed us up that I was the sweetest person he ever met. He said he also thought I was the one until the day he walked in a convenience store and laid eyes on “Delia” and he just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was it and that I was just his rebound. Always the same story “You’re a really sweet, beautiful girl and I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ve met someone else.” Then they usually marry that “someone else” and have children usually within the next year or 2.

I’m a good, kind person and still very attractive but no one seems to value that. I’ve been “replaced” so many times that I think I’m better off not wasting anyone else’s time. Sometimes I feel God has put me on earth to whip them up into marriage material for the next girl that comes along.

I pray to god every night to send me someone kind and decent-no more Mr. Temporary man. I vow this is the last Christmas that I spend alone. I deserve a love of my own!
Revisiting “I HATE Married People” - This Mama’s Dharma
January 18th, 2011 at 4:00 am

[...] Google “I hate married people” and the first thing that comes up is this post. [...]
Raquel
February 8th, 2011 at 9:45 am

wow I’m not the only one googling “I hate married people”
Same story as recent comments: 48, single, no children, feeling bad for not feeling an all encompassing gratitude for my health, family&frieds, successful career, good looks. Too late for children for me and my friends are starting to have grandkids!
rebekah
March 13th, 2011 at 4:32 am

I am pregnant, single, and couldn’t hate married people more. I myself feel alone, worthless, unlovable, and like a freak. So…being pregnant (or married) doesn’t change it. Hell, most married people are miserable and want to be single. Hell, at least you’re not pregnant….and at least I’m not married…
STOP WHININ!!
April 5th, 2011 at 4:50 pm

People please STOP whining and feeling sorry for urselves…. The only ones who should feel sorry for themselves.. are those married pple with their boring lives!

Here’s my story, I’[m 38, look 20 years younger than my age (guess why? hint, hint: cause I never been married/had children). I party (at raves and clubs) whatever I want… I have underage boys chasing me even. For no money in the world I wouldn’t married… (aka put a chain on my neck). Hey, I love to dance and I party every weekend I have insane amounts of fun! Lol, would I give it up??? Never… I used to experience all the feelings posted here–back IN MY 20S when I was dumb…. people, b4 u feel sorry for yourself–look around and see how big the world is and opportunities in in!–find some activities that allow you meet a lot of new people who’re interesting to you–and enjoy! Married idiots are stuck in their litter box… they can’t have any fun and are chained to the fate they chose.
PS: STOP WHININ!! :x
April 5th, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I guess to sum it up here’s advice for anyone who feels lonely, rejected and excluded from life because… *Society* brainwashes pple into “Must be a couple to be happy” and “breed” mentality—

you need to *shift paradigm*–shift the point from which you’re looking at things–and you’ll find yourself having more fun than you can handle (might be hard journey, but only at first).

Think about it this way: here’s a glass full of water (what married people have). YOU have an empty class. One can not fill the glass that had been already filled with water with anything else. You can can fill yours–You have that glass in your hand and you can fill it with anything you want–coffee, wine, tea (or may be something harder! :X) Have a wonderful glass of sparkling champagne versus a glass of plain water and enjoy it like no tomorrow. Remember all the things you had missed out on during teenage times… who prohibits you from doing them? No one! All these dance parties and hangouts you didn’t have enough time for? Make them happen. Take care of yourself–work out, etc–take care of your looks, dress well… meet new people, be sociable–open your mind to new possibilities–your married friends will be dying to be…YOU.
ghostbird
June 24th, 2011 at 6:36 pm

i started to hate my fren that are married. i dont think they all understand at all!! they always slam the door on my face!!! so that i dont bother their precious life! when i started to ignore them, they ask what is wrong. Even when i explain to them, they respond it with a lot of excuses, like : what can i do , i not only have my husband i have two family to take care of blah blah blah.
FED UP! with them!
doesitreallymatter
July 28th, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I completely understand because I’m here searching for hating married people. I’m a single mom who is in her mid 20s beautiful but yet I am single. He says he isn’t ready for marriage and that’s been almost 2 yrs ago. Now there’s word that his lil sister is getting married after dating this guy for 2 or 3 months. This make me feel like something is wrong with me then I have facebook friends and people in general asking are you married and when I answer no they are shocked as one man said he must be crazy cuz u r beautiful. Well if I’m so great and beautiful why the hell am I single and filled with so much hate that she will get bailed out and get all the support that comes with marriage while I’m busting my ass to stay above water. He doesn’t even feel anything. His younger cousin got married last month and still no reaction. It sucks feeling this way I should be thankful but there are other problems in my life and for once like the Leona Lewis song I just wanna be happy. Even having a child hasn’t brought happiness because like the saying goes no one is happy if mom isn’t happy. It helps to no there are others that feel this way but my heart aches everyday from loneliness and hearing the great joy of her married makes me sick just want to vomit.
Nino
September 10th, 2011 at 5:20 am

MArriage is not all its cut out to be.. my wife doesnt work, hardly does the chores, doesnt cook, shes argumentative.. the sex is literally non existent and boring to an extent where I actually dont want to have sex.. the idea of having sex with her actually stresses me out even though she says she wants it all the time… I have to work all day then come home and work some more preparing food and doing chores.. If someone would have showed me a sneak peak of what married life was going to be I would have never done it… I was infinitely happy when I was single so count your blessings on being single…

Entries (RSS)
Comments (RSS)

About this blog

Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.

This Mama’s Dharma