one single mother. one spririted preschooler. oy — what a life.
I HATE married people.
13Jul2009 Filed under: Losing it, Single mamahood, attachment, breaking up is hard to do, dark night, divorce, loneliness, longing Author: admin[I need to preface this to say that I don't hate my individual married friends, just married people as a group. It's a form of bigotry directed at the wedded.]
Today I am in just that kind of mood.
I took Sami to the pool today, and as it was Sunday, the pool was jam-packed with dads.
Married couples.
Everywhere.
Pregnant bellies bursting with life.
I know I know nothing about these peoples’ lives, for all I know their lives could be hell on earth, but all this marriage and procreation makes me feel like a single, worthless, disgusting, unlovable freak.
I tried my best to be present for my Sami, and we did have a good time splashing and playing catch and jumping back and forth between the baby pool and the kids’ pool. But I would be lying if I said that inside I was not aching.
I love myself. I love and adore myself. I’m wonderful and amazing and beautiful and bright, I believe and know this to be true. So, I’m wondering why no one else will fucking love me.
Yes, I am well aware that I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I got into a fight with my 87 year old grandmother because every time she calls (this is every 2-3 days) she asks if I have found anyone yet. Or she asks me how my “social life” is, which is a euphemism for dating.
“WHEN I FIND SOMEONE, I’LL TELL YOU. UNTIL THEN, DON’T ASK!” I bellowed rather unkindly.
Goddamn married people keep friending me on Facebook. They are all married with children. One friend from my elementary school days. I keep crying when I visit his page. He has two cute little kids. I have not seen him since I was about 12.
Another friend from grad school friended me tonight. Married, with a gorgeous little daughter.I also teared up when I saw the picture of his smiling little family.
I feel so stupid being so whiny, when I have so much to be grateful for.
Shame on me for focusing on what I don’t have.
But this is my blog. Where else can I be honest in all my whiny purity?
Right now, I fucking hate married people and I envy the safety and security of their lives. Even if their spouses annoy them to no end, even if they are not having sex, at least there is someone there. Someone to come home to and someone to share a bed with, share life with and share the joys and stresses of raising children.
They are everywhere. The married people. They are out in force. In public, at every turn, flaunting their couplehood to us single losers, whose husbands left them and are about to have babies with other people. Why do I feel like I am in some kind of horrible nightmare? I just feel like such a freak, like something is quite seriously wrong with me because I can’t seem to find anyone to love and love me.
I literally feel the bile churning in my stomach as I type this. I know how immature and un-spiritual and ungrateful of a post it is. I know I should be practicing acceptance and looking for the blessing and staying present and breathing and all that shit.
It seems I can’t quite do much better than this lately.
Tomorrow, or this week for sure, I will write about my experience of seeing Amma, two years later and receiving the darshan. It actually was quite wonderful, but clearly I am far from blissed out. My journey these days is one of anger and bitterness. Dollops of hatred and splashes of rage. But the sweet maraschino cherry in this nasty-ass cocktail of discontent is Sami, my son, my light. He makes this vile drink of life bearably sweet.
“You’re the best mommy I never seen!” he exclaimed to me this morning.
11 Responses to “I HATE married people.”
Leave a reply
About this blog
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my four year-old son is my greatest teacher. This is my dharma. Thank you for reading these words.
Svasti
July 13th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I hear ya. But I disagree, its not diametrically opposed to your ’spiritual self’. I mean, the key thing with growing as a person is being honest, and this post is you being honest with how you feel at a certain time.
At least you’ve been blessed with a child. I’m 37, single and with no prospects of meeting anyone really… and no kids. I have two wonderful nieces, a sister who secretly (but its so loud I can hear it) wishes I’d meet someone nice, and two parents who look at me pitifully and wonder if I’m jealous of my sister’s happiness.
I’m not.
But I am thankful they’ve all stopped asking at least…
And yet, I would like a little personal happiness of my own. The last few days I’ve been holding my own private pity party. I look at some of the ummm, rather unenlightened and downright unconcious people around me that seem to have no trouble getting all hooked up and popping out babies…
But me? Not a chance, apparently. And yeah, I’ve got all those old school friends on Facebook, too. Some of them are just having kids now. There’s a few singles left like me but not many.
Who knows why everyone’s lives work out so very differently? I have no idea, but I do know one thing. This discontent you’re feeling and that I too, feel?
Its a fairy story.
All of those magical childhood tales, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the one about the swans… there’s a tonne of them. And then there’s a tonne of modern day versions too.
They all have the same message - we’re all meant to ‘eventually’ meet our perfect partner and live Happily Ever After. But real life isn’t like that, unfortunately.
And being alone, it really does suck sometimes. You want someone who knows you intimately, who you can share things with.
But not everyone is destined to have that experience.
Really, I don’t think we’d enjoy it anyway. But having been spoon fed the fairy tale for years and seeing so many other people live that way, argh!!
There’s no simple answers to this one. Some of the lovliest people I know have been single for way longer than I have. And they’d all like things to be different.
So all I can say is I hear ya…
T
July 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I agree with the above commenter.
You have to learn to accept your feelings, no matter how bitter or “ugly” they may seem. Acceptance of those things will allow you to look at them…. and then let them go.
I love your honesty. We all go through this, married or single. I guarantee there are some married people who are hatin’ right now too.
We love you sweetie. For what its worth…
((hugs))
Cathy
July 13th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Hey Mama,
I went to the pool by myself yesterday (two, actually, b/c the first one was so crowded there was a line outside). I had a fine time cooling off and reading in the sun. I was missing Bear and so enjoyed seeing the kids splashing like crazy in the zoo that was the kiddie side of the pool.
And, yes, the sight of pregnant women there made me remember (1) that heavy feeling of carrying somebody in my body (2) I will not be doing that again b/c that shop has closed. But it was okay. I was doing my thing, feeling a little bit single on my off weekend. Making my way around the city with no real plans, and much agility.
But the next time you go to the pool, promise you’ll hit me up and see if I’m available? It’ll be better.
Karen Maezen Miller
July 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Love is not always what it’s cracked up to be.
Ash
July 13th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
You know how I feel about all the “happy, happy crap”, so I say, let us hear you sister. Why not let it all out and tell us just how pissed you are? You know how sometimes you feel just amazing after a good cry/scream session? Maybe that’s what is in order here.
love you always.
G
July 14th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Ahem! One of your “marrid” (my cross between the word “married” and “horrid”) friends here. Boy, was I glad of that preface!
But you are so right, we place such a premium on coupledom as if it were going to fix everything - make unhappy people happy, and imperfect people perfect - and so on. Then when we land in coupledom we find that we took our unhappy imperfect selves along and…… well, we know how it goes.
But I agree with those above, you have to feel what you feel and not beat yourself up over it. I think that sometimes our anger and frustration can signal that a breakthrough is close. And I don’t mean that the knight on the white horse is galloping down the driveway. Just that you are getting closer to knowing what you want, and what you can give in return - so when you meet that person, you’ll have a good chance of recognizing him and making sure he recognizes you.
Much love and hugs,
G
Oh yeah - and you are not a single, worthless, disgusting, unlovable freak. You are a gorgeous, vibrant, passionate, interesting woman (who happens to be between men) and has her priorities straight and her hands full with her incredibly adorable son! So there! xoxoxo
NG
July 15th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I got into a fight with my 87 year old grandmother because every time she calls (this is every 2-3 days) she asks if I have found anyone yet.
The above drive me nuts.
I kinda know what you mean. I had the same feelings as you once. I used to be bitter that I only had one child. I used to really, really want to be a couple or be married.
I married someone just to be married, and because I was lonely.
Wait until the hatred and the anger is gone before you hook up with someone.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I kinda want to find someone new, but I have been told to wait two year…two years of being kind to myself and being comfortable with myself.
That might sound like an enternity
Hey, the day my first husband remarried…it was like I was in a fog…it was terrible….so your dealing with some pretty heavy stuff.
admin
July 16th, 2009 at 3:05 am
Oh, your comments are so beautiful and insightful everyone, and they mean so much. I am doing my best to take this in, the support and the kindness you all are showing. The wisdom to which you have responded to my words. Thank you for this.
Cathy - I’ll call you girl the next time I am headed into the family pool zone.
beth
July 16th, 2009 at 4:25 am
all i can say is you can find your place on the map (I did)
in John Grey’s “Starting Over”, Really.
krista
July 26th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
hey leah-
my friends are all engaged and very very deeply in love. none of them have kids yet and their lives are (from my perspective) quite simple and easy. One colleague and very close friend of mine is married with a 16 year old. I am around happy traditional friends who are couples all the time, and am embarrassed by how much it effects me and makes me sad. this weekend I am away with an in love couple and I had to call my single friend and one point for some comradery. I “should” just be happy for them and not personalize everything right? What gets me the most is that I ultimately do not want “traditional” relationships in my life anyway, but seeing it all around me, and seeing the security does somehow make me sad about my own life. Anyway, no major insights to offer except this- I am there too and I completely understand how you are feeling. One thing I try to remember is that even if I were in partnership with someone I would ultimately still be alone. You and I both know, everything we need is within us. Sure, extra hands for dishes, bathtimes, story times and all that jazz is helpful, but it’s up to us alone to build our life in a way we like it anyway, even if we are married or partnered or whatever. Also, sometimes partnership just complicates things and you end up having to compromise yourself too much to suit another person.
I am rambling. Just wanted to say hi because it’s been awhile, and thank you for writing.
Liz
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:12 am
Thanks for posting this. I can relate. I’m 39 and coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never have kids and may never get married. Although I’ve had an offbeat and adventurous life, I always assumed marriage and kids would be part of it. Almost everyone I know is coupled with kids, and it is hard to figure out why it didn’t happen for me. If anything it may be because I’m fairly perceptive, know what I want in a partner, and don’t place enough value on being married in and of itself that I’m willing to settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Still, you would think in all this time I would find someone! Recently I met a man who seemed perfect for me, but he has a girlfriend, and they seem to have a nice life, with lots of mutual interests and friends. I admit that I’ve been feeling that life is quite unfair!