Comments on: I HATE married people.

By: Liz

Liz — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:12:40 +0000

Thanks for posting this. I can relate. I’m 39 and coming to terms with the fact that I’ll never have kids and may never get married. Although I’ve had an offbeat and adventurous life, I always assumed marriage and kids would be part of it. Almost everyone I know is coupled with kids, and it is hard to figure out why it didn’t happen for me. If anything it may be because I’m fairly perceptive, know what I want in a partner, and don’t place enough value on being married in and of itself that I’m willing to settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill me intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Still, you would think in all this time I would find someone! Recently I met a man who seemed perfect for me, but he has a girlfriend, and they seem to have a nice life, with lots of mutual interests and friends. I admit that I’ve been feeling that life is quite unfair!

By: krista

krista — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 12:00:22 +0000

hey leah-
my friends are all engaged and very very deeply in love. none of them have kids yet and their lives are (from my perspective) quite simple and easy. One colleague and very close friend of mine is married with a 16 year old. I am around happy traditional friends who are couples all the time, and am embarrassed by how much it effects me and makes me sad. this weekend I am away with an in love couple and I had to call my single friend and one point for some comradery. I “should” just be happy for them and not personalize everything right? What gets me the most is that I ultimately do not want “traditional” relationships in my life anyway, but seeing it all around me, and seeing the security does somehow make me sad about my own life. Anyway, no major insights to offer except this- I am there too and I completely understand how you are feeling. One thing I try to remember is that even if I were in partnership with someone I would ultimately still be alone. You and I both know, everything we need is within us. Sure, extra hands for dishes, bathtimes, story times and all that jazz is helpful, but it’s up to us alone to build our life in a way we like it anyway, even if we are married or partnered or whatever. Also, sometimes partnership just complicates things and you end up having to compromise yourself too much to suit another person.
I am rambling. Just wanted to say hi because it’s been awhile, and thank you for writing.

By: beth

beth — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:25:31 +0000

all i can say is you can find your place on the map (I did)
in John Grey’s “Starting Over”, Really.

By: admin

admin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 03:05:25 +0000

Oh, your comments are so beautiful and insightful everyone, and they mean so much. I am doing my best to take this in, the support and the kindness you all are showing. The wisdom to which you have responded to my words. Thank you for this.

Cathy - I’ll call you girl the next time I am headed into the family pool zone.

By: NG

NG — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:15:55 +0000

I got into a fight with my 87 year old grandmother because every time she calls (this is every 2-3 days) she asks if I have found anyone yet.

The above drive me nuts.

I kinda know what you mean. I had the same feelings as you once. I used to be bitter that I only had one child. I used to really, really want to be a couple or be married.

I married someone just to be married, and because I was lonely.

Wait until the hatred and the anger is gone before you hook up with someone.

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I kinda want to find someone new, but I have been told to wait two year…two years of being kind to myself and being comfortable with myself.

That might sound like an enternity

Hey, the day my first husband remarried…it was like I was in a fog…it was terrible….so your dealing with some pretty heavy stuff.

By: G

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 03:17:24 +0000

Ahem! One of your “marrid” (my cross between the word “married” and “horrid”) friends here. Boy, was I glad of that preface!

But you are so right, we place such a premium on coupledom as if it were going to fix everything - make unhappy people happy, and imperfect people perfect - and so on. Then when we land in coupledom we find that we took our unhappy imperfect selves along and…… well, we know how it goes.

But I agree with those above, you have to feel what you feel and not beat yourself up over it. I think that sometimes our anger and frustration can signal that a breakthrough is close. And I don’t mean that the knight on the white horse is galloping down the driveway. Just that you are getting closer to knowing what you want, and what you can give in return - so when you meet that person, you’ll have a good chance of recognizing him and making sure he recognizes you.

Much love and hugs,
G

Oh yeah - and you are not a single, worthless, disgusting, unlovable freak. You are a gorgeous, vibrant, passionate, interesting woman (who happens to be between men) and has her priorities straight and her hands full with her incredibly adorable son! So there! xoxoxo

By: Ash

Ash — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 20:49:08 +0000

You know how I feel about all the “happy, happy crap”, so I say, let us hear you sister. Why not let it all out and tell us just how pissed you are? You know how sometimes you feel just amazing after a good cry/scream session? Maybe that’s what is in order here.

love you always.

By: Karen Maezen Miller

Karen Maezen Miller — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:06:30 +0000

Love is not always what it’s cracked up to be.

By: Cathy

Cathy — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:25:43 +0000

Hey Mama,

I went to the pool by myself yesterday (two, actually, b/c the first one was so crowded there was a line outside). I had a fine time cooling off and reading in the sun. I was missing Bear and so enjoyed seeing the kids splashing like crazy in the zoo that was the kiddie side of the pool.

And, yes, the sight of pregnant women there made me remember (1) that heavy feeling of carrying somebody in my body (2) I will not be doing that again b/c that shop has closed. But it was okay. I was doing my thing, feeling a little bit single on my off weekend. Making my way around the city with no real plans, and much agility.

But the next time you go to the pool, promise you’ll hit me up and see if I’m available? It’ll be better.

By: T

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:26:37 +0000

I agree with the above commenter.

You have to learn to accept your feelings, no matter how bitter or “ugly” they may seem. Acceptance of those things will allow you to look at them…. and then let them go.

I love your honesty. We all go through this, married or single. I guarantee there are some married people who are hatin’ right now too.

We love you sweetie. For what its worth…

((hugs))