This Mama’s Dharma

But first: a ”Baby Daddy” Update.  Exhaling deeply.  There has been a break in the persistent awfulness of this past week.   
I cringe when I read about the horror and devastation happening in Israel and Palestine.
Is it possible that there could be one less Jew and Arab fighting in the world?
Last night, I listened to somebody [...]

Someone to tell me what to do.
There is not much narrative
Left in me right now. 
I’m tired.
This morning I get an email from the ex
Agreeing that we have gone nowhere with our nasty emails.
Our fights have always been legendary.
I really want to have Sami in my life
As much as I want to be in his,
He wrote.
I spoke [...]

Last night, at visit #4, my ex dropped a very large bomb.
Before that, he dropped a smaller bomb. 
He asked me to take down a picture of Sami on his photo website where there is a Star of David painted on his cheek. 
I explained to him gently that Sami himself asked for that Star of David on [...]

First of all, I must announce that I am offically full of shit. 
Despite recent meanderings  that hinted to the contrary, I am not going to stop trying to meet someone (never mind if wisdom indicates that it would probably be a good thing for me to intentionally be on my own for a while).  In fact, [...]

(This is a post that I wrote on and off through my stay in California, battling my grandmother’s virus-addled PC.  Hope you don’t catch anything!  - MamaDharma)
Tonight I read a stunning interview in The Sun Magazine (excerpted online but really worth reading in its entirety) with Kittissaro and Thanissara, a couple who lived as Buddhist monks [...]

Last night was filled with nightmares.  In one, I was out to dinner with my ex and his new wife.  Everything was going relatively well until I went to the bathroom and came back finding them in mid-PDA.  I flipped out, and this involved me cursing, shaking my fist at her, and giving them the finger [...]

He doesn’t remember him.  
When he walked in the door, there was no “Daddy!”  No running to him.  No recognition.  Just a shyness.
“Who’s this, Sami?” I asked.  ”Who’s this man?”
No answer.
Periodically throughout the night, my ex tried to get Sami to call him by his name.
“You used to call me ‘Daddy,’” I heard him say [...]

I almost forgot to blog about my one year anniversary as a single parent, caught up as I was in the MoTH thing.
I can feel the visceral coolness of that early morning, sitting on the balcony in my ex’s apartment, our ninth wedding anniversary, November 25, 2007.  We smoked a cigarette and he casually told [...]

Ah this, my favorite season.  Season of hope and sadness.  Always, season of beginning and ending.  The Jewish New Year.  The Days of Awe. 
I think back to falls of the past few years.  Fall of 2005.  I was deep into my third trimester of pregnancy…excited and anxious and innocent as could be.  Safe and secure in the [...]

I swear, I swear, I am going to get to bed by 11 pm tonight. 
Today, I was an exhausted mess.  The manic high from BlogHer sent me into a sleepless, hyperaroused state.  I am an easily stimulated type and boy, was I buzzing.
I was so tired that my eyes burned all day long.  This morning, [...]