This Mama’s Dharma

On August 2, I turned 34, and soon after, had a mini breakdown. It could have just been really bad PMS, but it felt like more than that.
I am perfecting the art of the mini-breakdown. It involves a few days of intense crying jags, not feeling real, barely being able to work, calling all my [...]

I know I’ve been pretty weepy/whiny/negative on here lately…and am not meaning to be…but shit is hard right now. And this feels like a safe place to write about the hard shit.
I am needing to travel a lot for work lately, and I’ve been leaning heavily on Sami’s dad…he’s been really good about stepping up [...]

I’m tired so tired not a fan of this feeling that life is passing me by and my child grew an inch I swear while I was gone for four days in CA and sometimes I feel like when I am with him I am not really with him because my mind is always wandering [...]

Someone to tell me what to do.
There is not much narrative
Left in me right now. 
I’m tired.
This morning I get an email from the ex
Agreeing that we have gone nowhere with our nasty emails.
Our fights have always been legendary.
I really want to have Sami in my life
As much as I want to be in his,
He wrote.
I spoke [...]

Last night, at visit #4, my ex dropped a very large bomb.
Before that, he dropped a smaller bomb. 
He asked me to take down a picture of Sami on his photo website where there is a Star of David painted on his cheek. 
I explained to him gently that Sami himself asked for that Star of David on [...]

First of all, I must announce that I am offically full of shit. 
Despite recent meanderings  that hinted to the contrary, I am not going to stop trying to meet someone (never mind if wisdom indicates that it would probably be a good thing for me to intentionally be on my own for a while).  In fact, [...]

Last night was filled with nightmares.  In one, I was out to dinner with my ex and his new wife.  Everything was going relatively well until I went to the bathroom and came back finding them in mid-PDA.  I flipped out, and this involved me cursing, shaking my fist at her, and giving them the finger [...]

I was going to title this post, “the snake crawls out of the slime pit.” 
But I decided that was just too mean-spirited.
On Sami’s birthday, I get a three line email out of the blue from my ex saying that he would like to start seeing Sami again and asking to go back to the regular Friday [...]

It’s been about a month that I have been doing the full-time work outside the home gig combined with the 24/7 single parenting gig.  I love my job and the financial security it brings, but I still feel completely unacclimated to this new way of life.  It feels like everything is speeding by at an [...]

Tonight I sit here with so much longing. 
First, I long for my son to feel better.  I write this blog post next to a little feverish boy who has just fallen asleep in my arms.  His cries of discomfort cut through to my soul and I would do anything to soothe him right now. 
I have [...]