grief Category

It has been 365 days since I have been out on a date, or even remotely pursued anything with men. It was a conscious choice I made last year, after a long string of bad decisions, near fatal attractions, a glut of embarrassingly adolescent behavior, and much scraping my heart up off the floor. The Year [...]

“I’m sad,” S said plaintively as we drove home from an errand tonight.
“Why are you sad, honey?”
“One is not enough.”
As I asked questions to get more out of him, it became clear that he meant that *I* am not enough. I’m not being paranoid here. He literally rattled off the names of all the people [...]

Divorce tears apart so many things.
Two relationships that I have continued to mourn: the loss of a sister-in-law and a stepson. I was close to the both of them - as close as you can be when they live in another country. I immediately felt comfortable around my ex sister-in-law, from the first moment we met. [...]

S comes home from school the other day with a card, on which he proudly proclaims that he has drawn “Grandma and Grandpa.” Then I open his backpack and see the dreaded newsletter: “Grandparents’ Day! We are encouraging students to invite their Grandparents (or Grandparent-like person) to school with them…”
My son doesn’t have grandparents, or [...]

I have neglected this blog for so long, it almost feels silly to start it back up again. Being a blogger takes a lot of work and discipline and I have just been too overwhelmed with life to put in the effort. Yet, I miss the practice. I am not going to make any promises [...]

Acceptance

In: acceptance, attachment, divorce, grief

As I hear my ex’s car pull up to drop off S, I open the blinds. The light goes on in the car.
She is sitting there. I don’t see her face, I have never seen her face…but I see the toss of a head. Long curly hair.
I feel sick. I feel my aloneness, my acute [...]

“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.”
Helen Keller
As I embark on this path of celibacy and the journey inward, the journey home, I come face to face with blinding  spells of loneliness and self-pity. The old, familiar tale. The sense of [...]

Talking to kids about death.

In: Memory, grief, letting go

The day that I have dreaded for the last four years came and went.
Sami was in the bath, playing, splashing, the smell of berry-scented shampoo wafting through the air. I run a froggy washcloth over his squirmy little body.
“Do you have a mommy?”
Totally taken off guard. I spouted something about “my mommy being an angel [...]

Not partying, not smoking, not drinking, not dating, not indulging in my addictions, I am feeling raw emotions bubbling up to the surface with ferocity. Mostly guilt, sadness, shame, confusion…grief. Boatloads of grief. Trying to love myself through it all - my so human, so flawed self.
I have made so many mistakes in my life, [...]

“When we embrace anger and take good care of our anger, we obtain relief. We can look deeply into
it and gain many insights. One of the first insights may be that the seed of anger in us has grown too
big, and is the main cause of our misery. As we begin to see this reality, we realize that [...]

About this blog

Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.


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