This Mama’s Dharma

He doesn’t remember him.  
When he walked in the door, there was no “Daddy!”  No running to him.  No recognition.  Just a shyness.
“Who’s this, Sami?” I asked.  ”Who’s this man?”
No answer.
Periodically throughout the night, my ex tried to get Sami to call him by his name.
“You used to call me ‘Daddy,’” I heard him say [...]

It would be so tempting to fall apart right now.
But I’m so over it.
Not that there is anything wrong with falling apart.  It’s a category on my blog.  I’ve consistently fallen apart very well, and I appreciate the process for what it is. Right now, though, I am more interested in piecing myself back together.
On the [...]

Tonight I sit here with so much longing. 
First, I long for my son to feel better.  I write this blog post next to a little feverish boy who has just fallen asleep in my arms.  His cries of discomfort cut through to my soul and I would do anything to soothe him right now. 
I have [...]

Ah this, my favorite season.  Season of hope and sadness.  Always, season of beginning and ending.  The Jewish New Year.  The Days of Awe. 
I think back to falls of the past few years.  Fall of 2005.  I was deep into my third trimester of pregnancy…excited and anxious and innocent as could be.  Safe and secure in the [...]

I swear, I swear, I am going to get to bed by 11 pm tonight. 
Today, I was an exhausted mess.  The manic high from BlogHer sent me into a sleepless, hyperaroused state.  I am an easily stimulated type and boy, was I buzzing.
I was so tired that my eyes burned all day long.  This morning, [...]

Literally, I am sick and tired…my throat burns, my eyes sting.  I should be in bed, watching the DVD of the Yacoubian Building that I ordered from Netflix.  But I’m here instead, reflecting on this odd, odd existence.
The world feels like it is crashing and burning all around and then I see that this state [...]

Today I have experienced some powerful shifts that have reframed the way I look at my single parent life.  I have been holding on to a lot of beliefs that no longer serve, and now I see them for what they are: not truth, certainly not Truth, just stories that I like to tell myself [...]

My son is a bonafide picky eater. I’m not terribly worried about it because he is, after all, 38 lbs. I don’t exactly fear for his health. But every time Sami eats a new food, I am sort of irrationally happy about it. Tonight it was lo mein noodles. OK, [...]

On the table beside me are two men’s handkerchiefs, a small red Bic lighter, a dark red penknife, and a silver watch.
These are items that fell out of my father’s suitcase this evening, the one that I will be giving away as part of my fall cleansing process. The handkerchief still smells of [...]

Today I went through Sami’s baby clothes, trying to decide what to sell and what to give away. I catalogued each item, and will type it up into an organized post on Craigs List. “Expecting a Winter Baby? Everything You Need is Here!!” I will organize the onesies and the t-shirts, [...]