This Mama’s Dharma

But first: a ”Baby Daddy” Update.  Exhaling deeply.  There has been a break in the persistent awfulness of this past week.   
I cringe when I read about the horror and devastation happening in Israel and Palestine.
Is it possible that there could be one less Jew and Arab fighting in the world?
Last night, I listened to somebody [...]

First of all, I must announce that I am offically full of shit. 
Despite recent meanderings  that hinted to the contrary, I am not going to stop trying to meet someone (never mind if wisdom indicates that it would probably be a good thing for me to intentionally be on my own for a while).  In fact, [...]

Last night was filled with nightmares.  In one, I was out to dinner with my ex and his new wife.  Everything was going relatively well until I went to the bathroom and came back finding them in mid-PDA.  I flipped out, and this involved me cursing, shaking my fist at her, and giving them the finger [...]

My son and his father are quietly playing downstairs as I write this.  They are drawing pictures together at the dining room table and I am staying out of their way as they re-establish their bond.  Earlier in the morning, they were playing upstairs, loudly and boisterously, and H was throwing Sami around and doing [...]

This afternoon, on my way home early from work, throat burning, fever racking my body with chills, I listened to the most delightful dharma talk by Roshi Bernie Glassman, founder of the Zen Peacemaker Order.  I was struck so hard by something he said that my eyes welled up with appreciative tears:
“Take the ingredients you [...]

He doesn’t remember him.  
When he walked in the door, there was no “Daddy!”  No running to him.  No recognition.  Just a shyness.
“Who’s this, Sami?” I asked.  ”Who’s this man?”
No answer.
Periodically throughout the night, my ex tried to get Sami to call him by his name.
“You used to call me ‘Daddy,’” I heard him say [...]

It would be so tempting to fall apart right now.
But I’m so over it.
Not that there is anything wrong with falling apart.  It’s a category on my blog.  I’ve consistently fallen apart very well, and I appreciate the process for what it is. Right now, though, I am more interested in piecing myself back together.
On the [...]

Tonight I sit here with so much longing. 
First, I long for my son to feel better.  I write this blog post next to a little feverish boy who has just fallen asleep in my arms.  His cries of discomfort cut through to my soul and I would do anything to soothe him right now. 
I have [...]

Ah this, my favorite season.  Season of hope and sadness.  Always, season of beginning and ending.  The Jewish New Year.  The Days of Awe. 
I think back to falls of the past few years.  Fall of 2005.  I was deep into my third trimester of pregnancy…excited and anxious and innocent as could be.  Safe and secure in the [...]

I swear, I swear, I am going to get to bed by 11 pm tonight. 
Today, I was an exhausted mess.  The manic high from BlogHer sent me into a sleepless, hyperaroused state.  I am an easily stimulated type and boy, was I buzzing.
I was so tired that my eyes burned all day long.  This morning, [...]