Losing it Category

Tonight I had a fairly awful talk with my ex.  I started out simply by asking for some explanation of what has been up for the last 10 months, as well as some kind of reassurance that he was going to stick around this time and that he was really ready to come back into [...]

I almost forgot to blog about my one year anniversary as a single parent, caught up as I was in the MoTH thing.
I can feel the visceral coolness of that early morning, sitting on the balcony in my ex’s apartment, our ninth wedding anniversary, November 25, 2007.  We smoked a cigarette and he casually told [...]

It would be so tempting to fall apart right now.
But I’m so over it.
Not that there is anything wrong with falling apart.  It’s a category on my blog.  I’ve consistently fallen apart very well, and I appreciate the process for what it is. Right now, though, I am more interested in piecing myself back together.
On the [...]

Oh, my.  On days like these I am reminded of how fragile I can be sometimes.
All it takes is “a thing” to get me spiraling.  And there’s almost always “a thing.”  Life is full of them.
Work was hard today.  I can’t really write about it because I feel weird writing about work stuff on this [...]

Oh, this morning was a bad morning.  A bad, bad morning.  And I was a bad mommy.  A bad, bad mommy.
As usual, I did not allot enough time to get us ready to get out of the house.  After rather frantically trying to bathe, dress, and feed myself, I woke Sami up and immediately started [...]

It’s been about a month that I have been doing the full-time work outside the home gig combined with the 24/7 single parenting gig.  I love my job and the financial security it brings, but I still feel completely unacclimated to this new way of life.  It feels like everything is speeding by at an [...]

For the past few days I have been sitting with rejection.  I applied for a master nonfiction class at a local creative writing center, and got rejected.  By a former professor, no less!
To say that this initially caused me to feel like shit is an understatement.
But then I started to look at it another way: [...]

Looking for light.

In: Losing it, equanimity

Oh, I wish I could report some transcendence going on.  Some redemption.  The stuff that makes this painful story all worth reading.  But I just feel barraged by pain.  It’s getting dull, even for me, but I have to keep writing my way through it. 
Tonight, I feel like I have no skin.  I am spilling [...]

I took a cool bath this evening and washed myself with Sami’s baby shampoo.  Have you ever taken a cool bath on a hot summer night?  It is a delicious experience, to rest in cool water as crickets chirp through the window.  Now I smell as fresh and clean as a newborn.
This day has been [...]


In: Losing it, equanimity, finding it

I’m taking a deep breath through the falling apart that is currently going on. Old neural pathways are activated within me, old traumas awakened and it is fascinating and completely scary at the same time to see myself move in and out of awareness around it.
The Story of What is Going On [...]

About this blog

Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.