Staying present Category

Last night was filled with nightmares.  In one, I was out to dinner with my ex and his new wife.  Everything was going relatively well until I went to the bathroom and came back finding them in mid-PDA.  I flipped out, and this involved me cursing, shaking my fist at her, and giving them the finger [...]

My son and his father are quietly playing downstairs as I write this.  They are drawing pictures together at the dining room table and I am staying out of their way as they re-establish their bond.  Earlier in the morning, they were playing upstairs, loudly and boisterously, and H was throwing Sami around and doing [...]

This afternoon, on my way home early from work, throat burning, fever racking my body with chills, I listened to the most delightful dharma talk by Roshi Bernie Glassman, founder of the Zen Peacemaker Order.  I was struck so hard by something he said that my eyes welled up with appreciative tears:
“Take the ingredients you [...]

He doesn’t remember him.  
When he walked in the door, there was no “Daddy!”  No running to him.  No recognition.  Just a shyness.
“Who’s this, Sami?” I asked.  ”Who’s this man?”
No answer.
Periodically throughout the night, my ex tried to get Sami to call him by his name.
“You used to call me ‘Daddy,’” I heard him say [...]

Tonight I had a fairly awful talk with my ex.  I started out simply by asking for some explanation of what has been up for the last 10 months, as well as some kind of reassurance that he was going to stick around this time and that he was really ready to come back into [...]

Daddy’s back.

In: Staying present, fear, humility

I was going to title this post, “the snake crawls out of the slime pit.” 
But I decided that was just too mean-spirited.
On Sami’s birthday, I get a three line email out of the blue from my ex saying that he would like to start seeing Sami again and asking to go back to the regular Friday [...]

Oh, this morning was a bad morning.  A bad, bad morning.  And I was a bad mommy.  A bad, bad mommy.
As usual, I did not allot enough time to get us ready to get out of the house.  After rather frantically trying to bathe, dress, and feed myself, I woke Sami up and immediately started [...]

The full moon hangs larger than life in the sky and my heart is open.  
Oh it’s so odd how I swing from feeling so disconnected to feeling so connected, like tonight.
Ricky’s death reminded me that life is nothing but a glorious series of possibilities.  How blessed we are to breathe, how blessed our hearts [...]

Tonight I sit here with so much longing. 
First, I long for my son to feel better.  I write this blog post next to a little feverish boy who has just fallen asleep in my arms.  His cries of discomfort cut through to my soul and I would do anything to soothe him right now. 
I have [...]

Trusting life

In: Single mamahood, Staying present, humility, trust

It seems that things always have a way of turning around so rapidly in my life.  Everything always works out, but of course I forget this truth when I most need to remember it. 
I decided to give the school another chance last Friday and Sami had a great day!  I called about halfway through the [...]

About this blog

Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.