It has been 365 days since I have been out on a date, or even remotely pursued anything with men. It was a conscious choice I made last year, after a long string of bad decisions, near fatal attractions, a glut of embarrassingly adolescent behavior, and much scraping my heart up off the floor. The Year [...]
I have this recurring dream. It’s variations on a theme - the theme of my ex and I getting back together.
In the dream, it’s just the two of us, and he is looking at me in that way, with great love in his eyes. We have sex.
“I missed you,” I say, crying.
“I missed you too,” [...]
S comes home from school the other day with a card, on which he proudly proclaims that he has drawn “Grandma and Grandpa.” Then I open his backpack and see the dreaded newsletter: “Grandparents’ Day! We are encouraging students to invite their Grandparents (or Grandparent-like person) to school with them…”
My son doesn’t have grandparents, or [...]
Lately, I have been feeling really insecure about my huge half-sleeve tattoo. I guess that means I’m not as cool or cutting-edge as I’d like to think I am.
When I got it in spring 2009, yes I was a “mature” woman of 33, but I was also not in the best place. I was somewhat [...]
Lately I have been reading through a journal I wrote when I turned 25 - ramblings and musings from a decade ago when I was so young I felt invincible. I felt overwhelmed by what seemed like life’s endless possibilities. I had starry-eyed dreams of accomplishing Something Big. I had a lot of very high [...]
Ah, the bitter irony of this life. I was to have a full five days to myself while Sami was at his father’s. And what happens? The Snowpocalypse of 2009. All my plans to be a whirling dervish of activity, dashed.
It ended up being all good. I just so happened to have a wonderful house [...]
I hate the word “depression,” as I detest all clinical phrases. They serve to dehumanize and they also don’t get at what is really going on with people. A neat label does not begin to encapsulate the complexity of human existence, and I feel does it a disservice. But looking at the word depression in [...]
This is a very special time of year for me when New Age Mama comes out in full force. It is the Aries New Moon - the astrological new year, so to speak. A ritual that I began for the first time last year was to make what is called a “treasure map” - a [...]
This afternoon, on my way home early from work, throat burning, fever racking my body with chills, I listened to the most delightful dharma talk by Roshi Bernie Glassman, founder of the Zen Peacemaker Order. I was struck so hard by something he said that my eyes welled up with appreciative tears:
“Take the ingredients you [...]
He doesn’t remember him.
When he walked in the door, there was no “Daddy!” No running to him. No recognition. Just a shyness.
“Who’s this, Sami?” I asked. ”Who’s this man?”
Periodically throughout the night, my ex tried to get Sami to call him by his name.
“You used to call me ‘Daddy,’” I heard him say [...]
Welcome to this blog - my chronicle of the illuminating, character-building path of single parenthood. I'm making this up as I go along. My life is my practice, and my five year-old son is my greatest teacher.