This Mama’s Dharma

I think that when each of us are born, we contract to learn certain things in our lifetime. I can only surmise that among the things I contracted to learn about are death and loss, since I have experienced so much death in my 31 years.
What I have learned from my father’s death [...]

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my father left behind, especially the empty journal that I started to write in yesterday. I wonder what he was thinking when he bought the journal. Was he intending to write his private thoughts in it, but never got around to it? Or did he think that his [...]

Six weeks ago, I signed up for an internet course on Awakening Joy, offered by Vipassana teacher James Baraz. The first class started last week, right around the time that my dad died. There was a twinge of feeling strange about taking the class at this time. But I know that it [...]

Sami has discovered a new skill in the last few days– climbing. When he first wakes up in the morning, he attempts to scale Mt. Mommy laying next to him in the bed. And he keeps on climbing throughout the day. He clamors and scrambles and seeks to conquer every object in [...]

Yesterday I spent three hours going through my dad’s things — a very grim task, to be sure. I wrote down some notes from that visit, but am too tired to type them up just now. Let’s just say it was the hardest things I’ve ever done, sitting alone in his apartment that smelled horribly [...]

There is nothingNothingBut the 19-pound heft of your bodyDraped across my arms.There is nothingNothingBut the smooth round swell of your cheeksAgainst my lips.There is nothingNothingBut the rise and fall of your little chestThe sweet breath that moves through your lungs.There is nothingNothingBut the fragrant smell of your freshly shampooed scalp,The softness of the gossamer hair [...]

On Wednesday, I had people over for a memorial service for my dad and in recognition of my 31st birthday. It was so wonderful — from 4 pm - 10 pm, there were people with me at all times. First came the wave of moms and babies — Abby and Gus, Mary and [...]

I want to write, but words feel so small and futile against the enormity of losing my father. I feel cut off, “without anchor” as a fellow orphan put it. I want words to heal this pain and they can’t. Nothing can touch the rawness of this grief. All I can [...]

I don’t know what to write. He will be missed. Will write more later…

Dearest Sami:
With the major escalation in violence in the Middle East, I cannot help but think of the children. How I wish they, and you, could have been born into a peaceful world. You have chosen to be born into relative safety here in America, but the truth is that we are never [...]